Who Should Make the First Move?


It felt like years.

It was only my second month on CatholicMatch, but I had been messaging back and forth with the same guy since my early days on the site. We had already covered the high-level details on faith, family life and careers, but now it was time to see if our online connection could translate into an offline relationship.

As the end of each work week drew closer, my hopes that he would finally suggest an in-person meeting would peak, only to receive a brief message on Monday morning: “So how was your weekend?”

Maybe you think only men pursue or maybe you think ladies should give signs if they are interested. I believe that men are wired to be the pursuers—the ones who initiate the chase and date with intention. While women are not meant to be passive bystanders in this process, we should begin our relationships with the man as the leader, right?

A recent CatholicMatch poll on this topic found that of the nearly 2,000 people surveyed, almost half (48 percent) of respondents wait for someone to contact them first. Of that group who wait for someone to contact them, 32 percent are men!

That means that hundreds of us on the site—both men and women—are sitting back and waiting for the other person to make a move. In the end, we’re at a standstill.

That’s exactly how I felt in my experience, so finally on a Monday morning, I responded to the routine “How was your weekend?” question with a simple, yet direct response.

“It was great, thanks. Would you like to meet up this week and hear about it?”

Only minutes later, I received his reply.

“Most definitely! What day works for you?”

I’m now married to the man who made me wait weeks and weeks to meet in person. He, too, was waiting for the right moment to initiate a date, but it took me, the woman, to first suggest a possible meeting.

Our experience goes against many traditional dating rules, but in the world of online dating, the rules are slightly different. We aren’t called to lower our standards or balk God’s unique call for men and women, but we are called to listen to the Holy Spirit and then act.

So ladies, it’s time to make a move. If you’re interested in getting to know someone, send an inbox message or an emotigram. From there, feel confident in clearly stating your intentions to advance the relationship—whether that’s through an initial phone conversation or an in-person meeting.


  • You’re on here to date. CatholicMatch is an online dating site. While you can create valuable friendships during this process, we’re all on here to meet other single Catholics and discern the call to marriage, period.
  • Just because you initiate the first date doesn’t mean that you’ve become the leader in the relationship. Give him a boost of confidence by asking him out, and he’ll likely take the reins from there.
  • You already share an important characteristic with everyone on CatholicMatch—your faith! It can be a struggle to meet other faith-filled singles, so don’t miss this opportunity just because it’s less stressful to wait for someone else to take that leap.

Don’t let fear and doubt cloud your heart and mind. Contact the members that interest you and even check out the profiles of the people who have viewed your profile, too. You’ve already overcome the biggest hurdle by joining CatholicMatch and letting God write your love story. Now you need to be the strong, confident woman who doesn’t allow the unofficial rules of dating dictate how or when you meet your spouse.

I threw my heart on the line and lucky for me, it paid off. It could for you, too.



  1. Luisa-1443890 May 14, 2017 Reply

    I think women can also start a conversation, it really doesn’t mean anything! it is just to break the ice and make the other person know that I would like to start a conversation, it doesn’t even is like ‘being the leader
    of the relationship’ haha, the relationship has not even started yet :P! and also I don’t think there should be someone leading, a relationship is teamwork, there is no a leader but two partners, so don’t worry, take it easy and start talking! and if you are very strict with the usual roles, there are some feminine ways to start a conversation you don’t necessarily need to look manly… I have met some people here by starting the conversation as I also notice that many people are just too shy and just send emojis, sorry but that is not enough to change our love lives, we need to make things happen.

  2. Mario-1207898 July 7, 2016 Reply

    I always try to initiate contact.
    If the lady finds my profile first and sends an email that’s ok but I think the man should always lead.

  3. Theresa-1309583 April 23, 2016 Reply

    well, I sent emotigrams with messages and sometimes, I get a ‘thank you’ and nothing else. So what does that mean from the guy? that he’s not into chatting further? I get the feeling that ‘being far & out of the person’s country’ is becoming a sore point and it’s affecting my probability rate of meeting the right one.

  4. GabrielKagl-1222655 July 11, 2015 Reply

    Being a real Christian is what I feel that is most important in every individual’s life. I always believe in one thing and it is that God who himself has plans for my life and he will find my true friend.A good friend will always put laughter on your face,makes you happy and put you free on troubles. This is what life is all about.. With whom will you have perfect life?.. What exactly will you expect your partner to do for your marriage to keep both your love together?.. I believe God has every possible answers to our lives and He will lead us through his plans…

  5. Robert-1208020 July 9, 2015 Reply

    “Now you need to be the strong, confident woman who doesn’t allow the unofficial rules of dating dictate how or when you meet your spouse.”


    Some – all? many? – of the men on CM are looking for a strong, confident, devout Catholic woman. Because many of us have been surrounded by strong, self-assured, intelligent, confident women all of our lives – grandmothers, mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, classmates, and friends. And we don’t find them intimidating in the least!

    At least some of us don’t find such women intimidating. We know that being around strong, self-assured, intelligent, confident women does not makes us any less masculine.

  6. Leocardia-1226578 July 7, 2015 Reply

    Inspiring piece indeed! Thanks Jessica for encouraging us to make the first move. Actually I should feel confident doing this when led by the spirit……things would definitely work out if it is God’s will.

  7. Joe-1133984 July 5, 2015 Reply

    To anyone whose seen school house rock, Mr. Morton is the subject of the sentence.
    And what the predicate says he does.
    Mr. Morton a shy man has trouble introducing himself to his next door neighbor Pearl.
    in the end Mr. Morton feels defeated by his shyness and that he has lost out on love.
    But Pearl takes matters in her own hands, and shows up with a rose. where Jack Sheldon sing who says women can’t propose.
    So my point is that sometimes men are to shy, maybe by upbringing, and if the women in the relationship senses the man trying to move forward but can’t, perhaps she should pull a Pearl and propose, or whatever.

  8. Pat-1115915 July 3, 2015 Reply

    Thank YOU Jessica for sharing your story. 🙂
    Holy Spirit, please help us all!

  9. Colleen-1054683 July 3, 2015 Reply

    Jessica, the part of the story that you’ve left out is where you tell us who became the natural leader in your relationship and now your marriage. I take it that you wanted/expected him to make the first move and be the leader, but in the end you had to do it, and luckily it turned out great. Do you still find yourself in the uncomfortable position as de facto leader or did it just take the one step to jump-start the relationship and he is now the leader in your marriage?

    • Jessica Weinberger July 5, 2015 Reply

      Hi, Colleen. Great question! After I initiated the first date, George very much took the lead in our relationship. He made it clear that he wanted to continue seeing me and made sure to plan fun and meaningful dates from then on out. In our marriage, he continues to be the leader, while recognizing the important roles that we each play in the relationship. I hope that CM members can feel encouraged that the circumstances of a first date or interaction do not need to dictate the inner-workings of your future marriage. Be honest, say what you feel and great things will come in time!

  10. Ann-69118 July 1, 2015 Reply

    The guy of course. I feel for a lady to make the first move or it puts her at a disadvantage as the guy should lead the relationship. Maybe I’m just too old school but I can’t change now.

  11. Meghan-1138190 July 1, 2015 Reply

    I do reach out to men that interest me. And 95 % of the time they don’t respond back, ever. I have written more than once, still no answer. They seem to be paying customers. So, with a skin that has gotten thicker over the years, I just keep looking. I know part of it is where I currently live. But that is going to change soon. Does that preclude just emailing someone? I guess so for most of those guys. I wish them luck. And God’s Blessings.

  12. Letty-849746 July 1, 2015 Reply

    How I wish I had that so called confidence….. well ” I’m praying for him ” God bless us all!

  13. Jason-184384 June 30, 2015 Reply

    Who cares? If you like someone, approach her/him if s/he has not reached out to you. Children can’t conceive themselves.

  14. Tricia-877261 June 30, 2015 Reply

    Take the leap!! Life is short. Let things fall in to place as we keep our feet moving. Blessed be God in the Most High!

  15. Silvio-1133041 June 30, 2015 Reply

    Dear Jessica Weinberger Hi greetings there
    Please can you or an body at CM post or tell us or explain the below points Thanks so much in advance

    1 the definition of DATING
    2 what is dating online connection
    3 Catholic Match and Catholic faith related with different concepts of online connection dating

  16. Silvio-1133041 June 30, 2015 Reply

    In my point view the post by Jessica W. has valuable points that we at CM ‘s members must read and learn from the hints Jessica give to us. During online first contacts matching prospect is a process that work gradually covering basic and general aspects between but there is moment that you have to identify to get into more details dating action for instance make emphasis over compatibility and overcome anxiety to get for the next step of the dating. Yes yes I believe a lot anxiety is experienced during the online process it is normal show nervousness being anxious however knowing and getting our level of confidence we will prepared for positive actions to be taken. there is moment we have to break the ice to talk what to do for the next level of this dating I agree that we have to adopt initiative to contact the match we like and we see it is compatible remember Anxiety is a factor to be overcome

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