Your Soul Mate Doesn’t Exist


Your Soul Mate Does Not Exist

Sorry. You’re not going to marry your soul mate.

Not yet, anyway.

It’s an impossible expectation.

It’s very popular now for people to think they will marry their soul mates; that there is one perfect match waiting for them somewhere and that they will find this person before marriage who totally gets them on a deep level, who has a deep spiritual connection with them, and then they’ll marry and this wonderful soul mate will automatically understand them.

Not gonna happen

What do you do when your soul mate forgets it’s the anniversary of the day you got engaged and goes out with their colleagues after work instead of coming straight home to you to relive that moment? Do you get disappointed and think maybe you picked the wrong soul mate and you better keep looking for another one? Or (yes, ladies, I am thinking of you because this is also true of me), do you say to yourself, “If he really loved me I wouldn’t have to tell him what I want, he should just know!”?

You do not marry your soul mate, you earn your soul mate—by working and growing year after year.Click To Tweet

You don’t marry your soul mate, you earn your soul mate and you do it by slogging away year after year. You do it by working together, growing up together, and thinking of the other more than trying to be sure that you are getting everything you want and you deserve.

It’s putting the other first and working as a team. Becoming soul mates takes a lot of time, talk, bonding, and sacrificing for each other.

My parents used to tell about the time the flu was raging through their house. They had three kids sick: one throwing up in the toilet, one in the sink, and one in the bathtub. All at the same time. They would look at each other and laugh, and say, “That was such a romantic time!” And my mom would say, “That’s when I was so glad I married your father!” in a kind of sarcastic way.

At the time I thought that was just disgusting, but now I look back and think, yes, that really was a defining moment in their marriage.

When three of their seven kids were all throwing up at the same time, making a disgusting mess that they would have to clean up, they were working together supporting each other and taking care of us. And waiting for the next four to get the flu so they could do this all over again. They looked back at that time with fondness and laughter. They were earning their soul mate status. That’s what we have to do.

I’m not sure Pat is my soul mate

I have a pretty good relationship with my husband, Pat, but I’m not sure we’re soul mates. Would a true soul mate:

  • Question my sanity for watching shows on the Bravo network?
  • Think I would want to go to the gym with him and spend two hours working out?
  • Think brown shoes match his black suit?
  • Get my birthday mixed up with his sister’s?
  • Think that a spire goes on top of a Christmas tree instead of a star?
  • Leave Christmas lights up on the house until May?

Yet there are signs we may achieve soul mate status some day.

  • He’s my biggest fan. No one can insult me when he’s around.
  • He clears the snow off my car in the winter even though he leaves for work an hour after me.
  • He watches HGTV shows with me even though he’s a contractor and does that stuff every day. (Although not at our house. Oops, slipping into non-soul mate territory.)
  • He pulled me up when I fell in a huge mud puddle when I was pontificating about how I didn’t need to be married to him, I chose to be married to him. And he didn’t give me a hard time. Turns out maybe I did need to be married to him.
  • Pat never forgot my birthday again, especially with the help of my mom, sister, and friends reminding him each year.
  • He did take the Christmas lights down eventually.
  • He holds my hand during the homily at Mass.

So please don’t put impossible expectations on your future spouse! He’s just a man, ladies, and guys, she’s just a woman. A wonderful, loving, responsible person with a beautiful soul who has the potential to become your soul mate. We’re just not there yet.



  1. Jim-397948 March 4, 2017 Reply

    I am collecting a lot of horseshoes pointing up…………

  2. Ann-69118 February 1, 2017 Reply

    100% agree. Soul Mates is a myth created by writers for the sake of a good plot design.

  3. Robert-583736 January 31, 2017 Reply

    Hi Kim:
    I just have to comment on your provocative article on the subject of “soul mates” because I believe that people confuse “soul mates” with recognizing Love. In my opinion, a “soul mate” is someone that you knew in another life. Yes it is great to find your “soul mate” but it is not a requirement to find your “soul mate” in order to find True Love. Love is just not that complicated. All you have to do is open your heart to the possibilities…

  4. Marian-1254538 January 31, 2017 Reply

    What a lovely story and somewhat reminiscent of my days growing up in a large family. I hadn’t heard of flu vaccines until I was an adult. We really didn’t go to the doctor much as kids unless we were really sick. We had a similar story in our family, except it was ptomaine poisoning. Five kids and my mother all came down with it. My grandfather, who lived with, dodged the bullet, and my oldest two sisters escaped it as they no longer lived at home. “Call you father and tell him to come right home after work.” And what a mess he walked into. Good times and bad, that’s what it’s about. Some divine intervention may bring a couple together, but earning and keeping a “soulmate” is the glue that follows life’s challenges and lessons. It’s meeting the person who helps you become a better person. Not perfection personified, but Christ-loving. Thanks for sharing.

  5. Joan-529855 January 29, 2017 Reply

    Ugh…what is with these men, who think that “soul mates” exist!!! The first three respondents were all male and all disagreed with the writer, who is BTW a female.
    My former spouse thought that he needed to find his soulmate, in fact he will be 60 years old and is still seeking her (while he lives with and adulterates with a woman he is not married to). What a waste of a lifetime…men need to get real…BTW, excellent article.

  6. Don-1400424 January 27, 2017 Reply

    I don’t agree with your article. It is a loosely held together opinion piece. In my book Mind Blink, secrets of a miracle worker, I describe modern day miracles and meetings between people that couldn’t have and shouldn’t have happened that did. We are all fiercely connected and love, that goes beyond our comprehension is in full bloom in the strangest of situations. I do agree that there is a romantic notion attached to soul mates that is probably more fiction than real. However, many people have met again in this lifetime in ways that defy any rationale explanation. And it has nothing to do with what they do for you rather how they connect to your soul. Loving, non-judgmental and supportive. 🙂

    • Maria-783415 January 31, 2017 Reply

      Part of me would love to think that yes, that there is that special someone out there and you will meet himr and look into his eyes and everything will be the way you always dreamed it would be. Magically. However, I have to agree with the author of the article in that sometimes you think that a person might not be for you and with hard work and a positive attitude, he or she could become that soul mate or better yet, that someone you NEED in your life. so I am going to go against Walt Disney and all those poets I’ve read for years that taught me that there is just that one single person for you and you will know the moment you look into his eyes. No, there isn’t. God wants you to be happy and if there were only one person out there that could make you happy, don’t you think He would have found a way for us to know this? No, our happiness comes from God and God only, and if we find someone who can help us get closer to God and at the same time cares for us and makes our life better, that person is and should be our soul mate.

  7. Andres-1232044 January 27, 2017 Reply

    They do (exist). Other thing is how tiring, exhausting and difficult it can be to find it. Not for weak/lazy hearts

  8. Joe-1406026 January 24, 2017 Reply

    I married my soul mate in 1964 and was happy until the Lord took her home.

  9. Andrew-1308652 January 23, 2017 Reply

    Like it when it’s real. We have absorbed so much junk about love from the culture. As Christians our model is Jesus above all and then Mary who lived out the grace he obtained for her perfectly etc. We need a real deep change of mindsets.

  10. Brian-1410036 January 23, 2017 Reply

    “If he really loved me I wouldn’t have to tell him what I want, he should just know!”

    Wow! You haven’t heard the genie story:
    A man encountered a genie and the genie said: Hello, kind sir, I have been observing your life for some time now and I am quite impressed.
    I am eager to perform a wish for you because I am certain your wish will be super. So what is your wish?
    After thinking for a while, the man replied: I want a highway built between California and Hawaii so that I can visit my parents by car.
    The genie replied: Hmm, that seems very extravagant for you. Perhaps something simpler?
    The man said: Well… Could you tell me how to figure out what my wife is thinking?
    The genie FROZE for one minute.
    Then two…
    Then three…
    Then the genie said: Shall we make that two lanes in each direction? Or four??

  11. David-624624 January 23, 2017 Reply

    A very good article and equally good responses, it certainly offers enlightenment and Hope! Thanks very much to everyone.

  12. Stephen-1288230 January 22, 2017 Reply

    Flu? If the children had been properly vaccinated they would not have gotten the flu, correct? Please let me suggest that all loving parents and guardians read from the Prophet Isaie 59:5-8. Additionally please search, Podcast: Freedom from pharmacy, and listen to messages regarding vaccinations, natural immunity and nutrition. May our Lord Jesus, The Great Physician, give His Faithful health, both of body and soul.

  13. Ralph-728570 January 22, 2017 Reply

    This article is right. I will share my thoughts on it. A while back here on Catholic Match. I talked with some time to a wonderful woman here, and I let my own pride end something good, and without going into details. She said that a man and woman could be friends! And my response was no.

    I was wrong, A man should never question a good woman’s love for him. We should be a friend first, for it allows you time to confine in one another. This is the foundation of which a strong relationship is built.

    If the friendship is present, you then become lovers. For you are allowing the Holy Trinity to guide the both of you. Bridges will be built with the Master Builder Jesus helping you span the rivers and valleys of doubt. I didn’t ask for Jesus to guide me through this. I built on poorly constructed bridge columns, and I fell into that river of self doubt and it cost me.

    When you become true friends and lovers. All of the self doubt will not be present. And the both of you will become Husband and Wife. For the men who may read my comment. Give a good woman your support and listen to her. Pray for one another and together in times of doubt , and let the Holy Trinity keep the Embers that Glow in your Soul to burn brightly. For it is the Gift that God gives each of his children, and Jesus will always help us navigate through the fog. Blessings.

    • Brian-1410036 January 23, 2017 Reply

      You seem to have gone from one extreme to the other. Yes, men and women can be friends, but no they shouldn’t necessarily become friends first. We know what we’re looking for and we aren’t going to deceive the ladies by going for friendship as a stepping stone. Dating is a valid way of getting to know someone and if she’s on catholicmatch and said she wants friendship then it was probably her way of saying she wasn’t interested. It probably wouldn’t have worked anyway. You’re being too hard on yourself.

  14. Anne-911324 January 22, 2017 Reply

    I love this. So sweet, and it reminds of the stories my parents and aunts and uncles tell about their dating and early married years.

  15. Renee-1099332 January 22, 2017 Reply

    Great article! Another thing that we often forget is our true soul mate is one that aids us to attain our final heavenly destination. And in order to do that, he or she may need to have qualities that drive us to distraction so that we develop virtues–like patience, forgiveness, kindness, etc.

    We don’t need to marry someone with the same exact hobbies, the same BMI, the same intellectual capacity, etc. Sometimes it is in exploring our differences that we grow the most. Unfortunately that is one of the many things that online dating seems to unconsciously promote–going through the catalog of people to find the “perfect” person that has all the qualities on our wish list. Instead of engaging a person and coming to know the unique individual they are whose differences from us may be the thing we ultimately find most attractive.

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