The Friend Zone Is A Lie

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The Friend Zone is a Lie

When do six words sound like a four-letter one?

I.

Just.

Want.

To.

Be.

Friends.

Maybe you made a move and they made it clear where the relationship was really going.

Or every subtle way you tried to get alone time got shut down.

The result is the same, right?

#FriendZoned

Hold up though.

Maybe, just maybe, and follow me here:

The existence of the friend zone, where romance goes to drown in a sea of platonic disappointment, is one of the worst lies we’ve created in dating.

The existence of the friend zone is one of the worst lies we've created in dating. Click To Tweet

It’s definitely become a part of speech, though. I define it this way:

Friendzoned /frendzōnd/:
Verb
1. placed in the category of non-threatening opposite sex relationships
2. spoken of as “really great” guy or girl who will “definitely make someone ELSE so happy one day.”

If we’re being honest, I’ve never heard another guy say anything like:

“Rachel friendzoned me yesterday, I’m stoked, so glad we know exactly where we stand and won’t be anything more.”

It’s not always a bitter sentiment, but fundamentally disappointing. I.e.: I hoped we’d be more than friends, but there goes that.

The issue I take with the idea of the “zone” lies exactly there.

The friend zone means “we’re just going to be friends.” Which, as I understand, is actually just something we already call friendship.

I get it, rejection is rough. I’ve been there. The friend zone, though, takes the defining of a relationship to a self-serving place. It lets us sit in our disappointment, and overly validates the struggle at hand.

Friendships between sexesIn the end, what’s that desire for a relationship about? Hopefully, for the good of that person, helping them grow in their capacity to give and receive love.

Men and women have a hard enough time with opposite-sex friendships as it is in our culture. Sometimes the line between friend and love interest isn’t so clear, and other times it is to one person and not the other.

So instead of frustration, the feelings which arise from the “friend zone” concept should instead force us to answer that tough question.

What did I want from and for them in the first place?

It’s one thing to be disappointed.

It’s another to allow bitterness to sink in.

As we can’t force love to grow, we can’t force anyone to feel for us the way we feel for them.

So in the times when we’re the one who desires more than friendship, but the feeling isn’t reciprocated, we’re left with a choice. Either this is someone I can see myself continuing on in friendship with, or from whom I may just have to move on.

It’s one of the strangest life experiences I’ve had to be speaking with a woman every day in a relationship for months, then have that sudden halt in communication when we realize it’s time to end.

It’s a relational form of whiplash, but also a freedom.

Unfortunately, we too often equate the end of a friendship with failure.

Too often, we equate the end of a friendship with failure. Click To Tweet

I think this is why we’ve allowed the friend zone to become such a fixture, it points to how difficult it is to let go of someone or an idea we’ve invested in.

Simplicity is where this particular freedom lies.

Feelings and desires offer such a challenge to our thought process, but more than they need to when we’ve overcomplicated our connections to other hearts.

If she’s/he’s just not that into you, it’s fine to make a choice. Can I find peace in being a friend and nothing more to this man or woman, or will that thought linger too strongly? Will I end up resenting them by no fault of their own?

It’s okay to take a step back from the relationship if you need some time to clear your head and re-enter once you’re again able to love them freely as brother or sister.

I’ve been there, too.

When an old friend and I had a moment of connection over a weekend in New York City but she realized after those feelings weren’t growing further, I asked for some time to collect myself.

We didn’t lose the friendship, and allowed for the freedom to return naturally once hearts felt safe again.

To trust in God’s Love for us requires risk.

It means developing the ability to let go by creating a habit of never clinging too tightly.

Time to move onYou may have had months in the future mentally planned with this person, maybe even misread their intentions along the way and felt led on.

Letting them or the idea of romance with them die might feel the same as losing hope for Love in general.

They were going to be “it,” how could it have gone so off-script?

It does us no good to dwell in sadness over a romance that mostly, or entirely, existed in our own head. If we know a Loving Father, we must believe in His ability AND desire to grant us fulfillment in our good desires.

They might not be the one, but out there in this big world another heart is preparing and being prepared for you.

Put it this way:

Parking lots have zones, but relationships are meant to be lived out on the road.

Parking lots have zones, but friendships are meant to be lived out on the road. #destroythefriendzoneClick To Tweet

Rejoice in each other’s joys, suffer with each other’s challenges with no room for bitterness, or repressed truths.

And if we’re called to that particular friendship which means marriage, a vocation, so many of those other relationships with the opposite sex will have to change anyway.

Really, the “friend zone” is more like the Twilight Zone, it looks believable enough at first but under the surface you know the story’s not altogether based in reality.

So let’s keep it simple and live in authentic friendships with the freedom to serve each as we’re willing to give and receive.

Knowing our Father gives us each what we need.

And keep Love the only four letter word on our heart.



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49 Comments

  1. Tina-1417956 April 12, 2017 Reply

    I read thru most of posts before skipping to the bottom because there is a common thread here which bothers me a bit. There seems to be an assumption that women are primarily the ones who friend zone. I believe that to be inaccurate, based on my own experience and those of my female friends. I think it is close to 50/50. I’ve been friend zoned myself and although it does feel like a rejection, I took it to ultimately be a kindness since it freed me up to spend time with someone else. One”s perspective tends to color things, to a degree. 🙂

  2. Helen-1431873 April 11, 2017 Reply

    Only my opinion, but I feel a friendship is a beginning…..and only in person….can you mentally and physically can you say…..I want us to continue or not because I feel drawn to this person or not. But at times I feel…we are at an auction…..the criteria reads…..and then the qualifications come out….you have t given this person a chance. I feel you have to have an attraction first…both people….you have to give each persona chance…you may be pleasantly surprised or pretty disappointed. I don’t feel people give each other a chance….it’s like buying a car and saying, I only want blue, leather seats, etc. etc. not giving someone a chance. The best is when a person is 75 and is looking for a 40 year old…my opinion only. You may be surprised…

  3. Viv S. April 11, 2017 Reply

    You can meet 100 people and have the pharmones for maybe one. Physical attraction is its own. We don’t choose that. Chemistry is a two way street.

  4. David-1054431 April 11, 2017 Reply

    Interesting article. It’s a bit fluffy for my taste but well intended. I know some have commented that the author seems to be saying the friendzone is not a real thing when many of us know it is. I will say in blunt language what the article is saying in polite language: usually when a woman tells a man who’s romantically interested in her that she thinks of him more as a “friend”, she doesn’t really mean that. It just sounds nicer than saying “You don’t appeal to me romantically”.

    If a woman I’m romantically attracted to tells me she considers me a “friend”, that makes it sound like she’s going to come over to my house every Tuesday night and play a game of checkers with me. But in fact, she is not planning to do anything of the sort!

    In other words, the friendzone exists for real. It’s just not about true friendship.

  5. Jennie-1091164 April 11, 2017 Reply

    I just discovered this corner of Catholic Match. com

  6. Jennie-1091164 April 11, 2017 Reply

    I just discovered this site for comments and questions.

  7. Michael-1060472 April 11, 2017 Reply

    While the article raises some good issues, it misses the point of the term “friend zone.” The underlying phenomenon is that once a woman decides you are friend material rather than lover material, there is no going back–it’s a one-way street. To be “friendzoned” means that you will never be considered romantic material. It plays to the old notion that a woman decides in the first few minutes whether she’ll ever be romantic with a man or not.

  8. Celia-1417473 March 16, 2017 Reply

    Being new to Catholic Match.com, I find this series of posts very interesting to follow. “Eros”/ physical attraction seems to play a key role, especially for the males posting in this series. That is a “fairly traditional” take on the issue of attraction and dating. However, I often wonder if we were not all better off in the era of “matchmakers” or “arranged marriages” in which couples “grew into love” and the “eros” aspect of love. Being able to look at a picture and read a profile reminds me of my recent experience of buying a new car. I signed up with my bank, had the loan approved and came home and shopped online. Once I made a selection, I made an appointment, went in and did a test drive then made a purchase. Based on my past relationship experiences, I think I would actually rather be “in the friend zone” and have it grow into the Eros aspect of love than to bypass the friend zone. It’s “less efficient”, but seems more likely to grow into a relationship for the “long haul”.

    • Renee-1099332 March 17, 2017 Reply

      Very true, Celia, very true. Online “dating” has more in common with buying a car than normal dating!

    • Darin-1415639 March 17, 2017 Reply

      >> I think I would actually rather be “in the friend zone” and have it grow into the Eros aspect of love than to bypass the friend zone. <<

      Celia, being in the friend zone isn't synonymous with being in a friendship.
      If you want to be in a friendship with someone then I think it's fair to say that you are not in the friend zone with the person.

      • Renee-1099332 March 17, 2017 Reply

        Very interesting, Darin. Could you explain that a little more? Please define the two for me.

        • Darin-1415639 March 18, 2017 Reply

          Hi Renee! Being in a friendship with someone of the opposite gender is pretty simple to define. It is simply the state of being friends with someone of the opposite gender.

          Being in the friend zone is more difficult because there are disagreements with how it is understood, but here is my attempt at defining:
          Being in the friend zone: being in a friendship with someone of the opposite gender in which you are currently interested in taking measures toward going beyond friendship, BUT the other person has adjusted to the friendship in a way that has greatly diminished potential romantic interest to the point of embracing the idea of never going beyond friendship.

          Or if you want it sloppier and simpler, I guess basically you are in the friend zone if you feel for the other person, but the other person is very determined only to stay friends for the foreseeable future.

          • Renee-1099332 March 18, 2017 Reply

            Oh, OK, thanks, Darin. That is basically what happened to me. We started out agreeing to be friends, I began to allow it to go further in my mind and heart but he didn’t so I ended the friendship for a bit. Then I backed off to our original commitment and we resumed our friendship at a more subdued level. It was all good.

  9. Stephanie-466380 March 16, 2017 Reply

    been there several times, no fun

  10. Darin-1415639 March 14, 2017 Reply

    The friendzone can probably be defined pretty well as a situation in which one of two opposite-gender friends, usually the female, has adjusted to friendship in a way that has greatly diminished potential romantic interest to the point that the person embraces the idea of only friendship with the other person.

    It exists all right.

    One of the most effective ways to get friendzoned is by following a female’s advice on how to attract a female. Or alternatively, follow the advice of a male who is echoing the advice of a female.

    • Tobias-1103924 March 15, 2017 Reply

      “One of the most effective ways to get friendzoned is by following a female’s advice on how to attract a female. Or alternatively, follow the advice of a male who is echoing the advice of a female.”

      Absolutely. Never ask the woman why she went with the guy. Ask the guy what he did.

      • Darin-1415639 March 18, 2017 Reply

        Yeah, it would be like asking a customer how to run a successful business. You’re gonna get tips instead about how to drive your business into the ground accommodating the customers (lower prices, more customer service, better return policies, longer hours, shorter lines, rebuilding into an expanded store). We could ask but definitely also think it over from our angle and pay attention to the successful businessmen too. Otherwise we’ll probably lose the very customer who gave the insane advice in the first place…

  11. Thomas-669718 March 14, 2017 Reply

    I agree with the last four posters. This article kind of missed the point. The friend zone exists, it just may mean a different thing to different people.

  12. Patrick-341178 March 14, 2017 Reply

    I actually just has a similar experience myself. I am newly single of a little over a month. There was someone I had been facebook friends with that I kinda had a “thing” for, but obviously since I was in a relationship, I couldn’t be more than “just friends.” Although, I use that term kind of loosely, as she was someone that I just kinda know from catholic circles in Chicago. I had actually seen her here on catholicmatch and we had communicated in the past.

    After getting up some courage, I decided to email her and ask her out for a cup of coffee. I tried to make it as casual as possible as I am newly single, and told her I just wanted to get to know her better and be friends first. I really wasn’t sure how she was going to respond so that made waiting for her response somewhat nerve racking.

    When 24 hours went by and I hadn’t heard from her, I figured it was a no. It was mildly disappointing, but not that big of a deal as I really didn’t know her, I am newly single, and since we have a mutual facebook friends, perhaps a little relief from avoiding “worlds colliding” (an old term from Seinfeld, google it if you don’t know what that means).

    So, I figured I just wasn’t going to get a response and was just going to let it go. Then, 3 days later, I see her facebook icon pop up on my phone as was like, ‘oh wow.” I had already started to just forget about it, but now 3 days later, she is responding. GIven that it took her 3 days to get back to me, I thought it was probably a “no”, but I was still nervous. I was in the middle of something so I waited several hours until I was alone before I looked at the message.

    I was intrigued as I read it as It was several paragraphs. After reading the message, I still wasn’t exactly sure if it was a no or yes, so I had to respond. This time, she got back to me right away, and it became a text like conversation. She explained she was newly single herself after a 2 year relationship so wasn’t in position to date now. I explained that coming up a relationship myself, I just wanted to be friends first anyways, so I was fine with that. She then responded that she just wanted to be friends forever, though.

    Ugh, awkward. I was disappointed but relieved in a way. Putting aside that it took her 3 days to get back to me, she couldn’t have been nicer and more respectful in her decline, so I really couldn’t be mad or upset with her. I said that we could certainly still remain friends, although, again since we were really just “facebook friends” and not really friends, it wasn’t that big of a deal. I took her off my news feed and have moved on.

    So, my experience is a bit different than explained in this article, but I don’t understand this notion that men are just supposed to “suck it up” and going back to be a woman’s best friends. Don’t be a jerk about it, but move on. Also, why are so many men and women just good friends now anyways? More dating, less shopping together!

    • David-1054431 April 11, 2017 Reply

      Darin, I’d say from my experience, if a woman gives you that bit about how she’s not ready for a relationship “right now” and words to that effect, it’s really code for “I’m not romantically interested in YOU”. The issues she claims to have with dating in general, that would all blow away like the wind if she were truly taken with you. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I just think that’s how these things work.

      And if you can’t handle being around her for that reason, then maybe you simply avoid contact with her, at least until such time as you’re over being rejected. And that time will come.

  13. Patrick-341178 March 14, 2017 Reply

    Sure. if you want remain friends on facebook or something. Yet, too many men and women are “just friends” these days. Sure, respect their wishes and be nice to them where your paths may cross, but move on.

    • Darin-1415639 March 15, 2017 Reply

      Fair enough. Although I myself have a deep admiration for certain women as people and am more than willing to be active friends if they are willing. The only major impediment to this is if I find out that she is opposed ever to considering more than friendship with me. This would raise a red flag that she doesn’t see me as an equal and would probably devastate the friendship.

      • Patrick-341178 March 21, 2017 Reply

        So, if you are willing to just be friends with her, why would you care if she is opposed to considering more than a friendship with her unless you are secretly hoping you will end up dating her in the future? If a woman just wanted to be friends with me forever, I wouldn’t think that mean she thinks we aren’t equal, it just means she really just doesn’t want be more than friends.

        • Darin-1415639 March 22, 2017 Reply

          Hey Patrick. The way I see it, it’s a serious red flag about how she feels about the guy as a person, if she negatively predicts that she will never have a relationship with him, especially if she blurts this out when he hasn’t even asked.
          What if you are shopping in a store and have no interest in working for the store, and the manager walks up to you and says “I would never want to have you as an employee here, but only want you as a customer in the future and don’t want you ever as more.”?
          Maybe if someone sees you are taken aback by this, the person might be confused and ask you:
          Why would you care if he is opposed to considering you as an employee unless you are secretly hoping you will end up being an employee there in the future?
          But I’ve got news for you: If a manager told me without being asked about employment with his company that he just wanted me as a customer forever, it WOULD be a red flag that he doesn’t respect me as a person and thinks I’m not an equal to the employees there. It would NOT necessarily just mean he really doesn’t want me as more than a customer, because he’s basically told me not even to bother applying no matter what the future brings. And that, my man, is an insult.
          At least that’s what I think.

          • Patrick-341178 March 22, 2017 Reply

            Well, I think too many men and women are just friends these days so perhaps devastating the friendship wouldn’t be such a bad thing after all…

          • Darin-1415639 March 22, 2017 Reply

            Thank you! Anything to make me feel better about the heartwrenching loss of her as a friend. I’m glad to have a few words that soften the blow. 😀

          • David-1054431 April 11, 2017 Reply

            Interesting analogy. I like it. It is in fact a real bummer to have a woman effectively say to you that she will never be interested in you as anything more than friends. Tough as it is to accept, still a person has that right. I can think of women I know whom I genuinely think of very highly as human beings, but I simply do not feel attracted to them and really don’t think I ever can. I guess one should never say “never” but I know what I like.

        • Helen-1431873 April 11, 2017 Reply

          I have to agree, but….maybe after some fun times etc….the woman begins to realize she wants to become more than friends….it’s not like buying a coat…you want blue, but see a green one that you can’t live without….one cannot predict that minute wow, I definitely want to be more than a friend….relationships have to be cultivated.

  14. David-624624 March 14, 2017 Reply

    A very good article and the various viewpoints expressed are all very valid.

  15. David-624624 March 14, 2017 Reply

    I totally agree with this article as brutal as the results are when we must face a one sided love, it can affect people of all ages. I have learnt a lot by reading this article, it is very valid I think.

    • Mary-1428933 March 16, 2017 Reply

      I agree with you David i feel the same,i think more friends on here should pick a point and learn too

  16. Robert-3483 March 13, 2017 Reply

    “It is a blessed thing to love on earth as we hope to love in Heaven, and to begin that friendship here which is to endure for ever there. Jesus Christ loved John, Lazarus, Martha, and Magdalene with specially tender friendships, as we are told in Holy Scripture.” We know that St Paul dearly loved St Mark, St Petronilla, Bishop Stachys (Romans 16:9), Timothy, Thecla, St Claudia and Pope Linus (2 Tim 4:21). “St Ambrose loved St Monica because of her many virtues, and that she in return loved him as an Angel of God.”
    Saint Paul reproaching the derangement of the Gentiles, accuses them of being people without affection, that is to say who had no friendship (Romans 1:31). Make yourself affable to the congregation of the poor, humble your soul to the elderly, and bow your head to a great man (Ecclus 4:7). St. Thomas the Universal Doctor, states that friendship is part of the virtue of justice.1
    There are some who will tell you that you should avoid all special affection or friendship, as likely to engross the heart, distract the mind, excite jealousy, and what not. But they are confusing things between laity and that of religious life in a well regulated community.

    Sin damages or destroys fraternal communion (CCC 1469). Of the difference between true and false friendship:
    Worldly friendship ordinarily produces a grand cluster of honeyed words, a cajolery of small passionate endearments from beauty, grace, and sensual qualities.
    Sacred friendship has a simple and frank language, praising the virtue and grace of God, the unique foundation on which it subsists.
    Laypeople, through the grace of Jesus Christ, require sacred friendships to ensure and assist each other with the many obstacles that they must overcome in the world (Introduction to the Devout Life: Real Friendship). Better are the wounds of a friend, than the deceitful kisses of an enemy (Proverbs 27:6).

    The highest grace does not lie in being without friendships, but in having no friendships which are not good, holy, and true. “Marriage, when rightly understood, is a very real and holy friendship.” (Introduction to the Devout Life: On Friendship – Evil & Frivolous Friendship) To a married woman seeking holiness, St. Jane Frances De Chantel, this advice was written 400 years ago by a bishop, now known as the Gentleman Saint and a Doctor of the Church.
    References:
    Introduction to the Devout Life by Church Doctor and Gentleman Saint Francis de Sales
    * On Friendship: Evil and Frivolous Friendship
    * Frisky Friendships [ämitiés folâtres] / Frivolous Attachments / Amourettes
    * Of Real Friendship
    * Of the Difference between True and False Friendship
    * Remedies against Evil Friendships
    * Further Advice concerning Intimacies
    * Of Society and Solitude
    Footnotes:
    1The Summa Theologica of St. Thomas Aquinas – Question 114. The friendliness which is called affability

    • Renee-1099332 March 14, 2017 Reply

      I so agree with the comments you quoted, Robert. I have often thought of the special friendships between some of the saint such as St. Francis and St. Clare; St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila. Godly friendships are a treasure and enrich us immensely.

    • Tobias-1103924 March 15, 2017 Reply

      Robert, how specifically do any of your comments apply to the topic of not being discouraged by “friend zone” scenarios as you seek a spouse?

  17. Renee-1099332 March 13, 2017 Reply

    I developed a very dear friendship with someone on here and it was not because of lack of eros. We both felt that was possible but due to the age difference and our mutual inability to move, we chose to be friends. He was divorced after 40 years and I was widowed after a similar time and I believe that we both helped each other heal from our prior relationships, making us more ready for a marital relationship if that time came. During our time of friendship we continued to pursue other relationships with the acknowledgement that when we found “the one”, our friendship would end. He thinks he has found the person for him so our interactions are becoming less and less. I will always treasure our friendship and have no regrets about the time we spent interacting with each other. It was a very positive thing for both of us.

  18. JuliAnn-117132 March 13, 2017 Reply

    I think there should be an entire article dedicated to this: “In the end, what’s that desire for a relationship about? Hopefully, for the good of that person, helping them grow in their capacity to give and receive love.”

    People do not get that.

    • JuliAnn-117132 March 13, 2017 Reply

      One more suggestion……there should be an article about being ready and available to start a relationship before you join this site and put up a profile. Both men and women need to think this through. Dating requires time, $s, attention, etc. Relationships don’t nurture themselves. The women that I know who are here are serious about finding a man to marry in the Catholic Church. People need to be charitable and not waste anybody’s time because they, in fact, are not ready to be dating. This requires self-awareness.

  19. Sean-1354996 March 13, 2017 Reply

    Would you consider it ‘respectful’ if you wanted a relationship with someone and they said they just wanted to be friends? Face it, yes, the friendzone is a real thing. I’m not sure why Catholic Match is telling men to ‘hold out hope’ that things will change. Will it change if you’re a better friend? Nope. So why bother?

    “Men and women have a hard enough time with opposite-sex friendships.” Ok. But that’s not what Catholic match is for. You want to find your best friend ever, you don’t need Catholic match for that. Why waste someone else’s time (and money!) by putting this out there? The best response is simply this, “yes, I like you but I’m looking for a relationship not just friendship. Are you interested? Yes or no”. Generally you’ll always get the straight answer which is the one you were looking for, “no I’m not”. Then you can move on to try with someone who may be interested instead of spinning your wheels. The whole purpose of the friendzone is a way to soften that blow, nothing more nor less.

    Thankfully, I have had matches who *were* upfront and that just makes things so much easier. For both people. Would be nice to get an actually *helpful* Catholic match article.

    • Anthony-1410086 March 13, 2017 Reply

      You’re right to point out that the friendzone is a real thing, but it is a coping mechanism for some while for others it could be something akin to a curse. The article is a bit strange in the sense that it 1. suggests that the friendzone is a lie we tell ourselves which for most of us isn’t true but for those who think the friendzone is a curse, I think it is a psychologically harmful attitude to hold and the advice of the article actually applies. 2. it downplays the fact that the friendzone clearly resonates with reality.

      I have friendzoned more than 1 girl in my life and it was always because of the lack of physical attraction. Eros is a real thing but it’s an unstable and at times inconstant love. It looks at physical beauty and social polish, but it needs friendship as the stabilizing force so that Eros doesn’t die out. Let’s face it, sometimes physical attraction dies in a marriage or blooms in an otherwise platonic friendship. I’m not suggesting to keep at a girl who friendzones you in hopes that Eros will eventually grow, (though it could) but I agree with the article that it is good advice to ask oneself if carrying on a friendship after rejection is part of your schema – if you really have a friendship then it should be. If not, and it was just a casual getting to know you, then live and let live. I’d rather have more of type 1 rejection than type 2 since yes the hurt is worse but there’s still your friendship and it means you’re doing something right in life. Don’t we want to end up with our best friend as a spouse? I do.

      As for CM, the challenge of online dating is an entirely different experience than offline if only because the online world offers a freedom from or for engagement at any point in time. This is an inconstant and often unpredictable experience that mirrors the one-sided pursuits of Eros without any kind of social obligation. The hardest challenge is trying to get past Eros on CM and this comes from the building of communication, mutual interest & friendship (Philia). That being said, despite laying all the groundwork and putting in all the time and effort, I’m sure there are plenty of folks that have gone on CM dates and discovered that in-person led to a friendzone encounter. Seems to me it’s just because of a lack of Eros though and hoping that meeting someone in-person will overcome nagging pre-date concerns and spark that interest. I’d call that wishful thinking which sucks because it feels fickle and dishonest, but that’s Eros, and it’s best to initiate coping skills at that point and concentrate on what matters more. If coping means telling yourself you’re in the friendzone, oh well, could be worse, you could be married to that person and have that happen.

    • Patrick-341178 March 14, 2017 Reply

      Yeah so if you’re a guy and you want to be more than friends with a woman and she doesnt, then go ok, we can still go shopping together. It’s NOT your job as a man to be a woman’s best friend. She has other women for that.

    • Darin-1415639 March 14, 2017 Reply

      “Would you consider it ‘respectful’ if you wanted a relationship with someone and they said they just wanted to be friends?”

      Yes, of course. She’s being honest and responding to my inquiry. Not sure I get why you ask.

      “I’m not sure why Catholic Match is telling men to ‘hold out hope’ that things will change. Will it change if you’re a better friend? Nope. So why bother?”

      We cannot see the future perfectly and neither can the women. Love at first sight rocks, but I’m not sure it makes sense to give up on a Christian sister just because one of the two of us isn’t currently interested.

      “looking for a relationship not just friendship.”

      Hey man, you’re entitled to your opinion, but I myself don’t see how people should be expected to make this decision before acquiring at least a basic level of friendship first. People have sometimes had tragic marriages in numerous ways (need I list any?), because a fair level of basic respect wasn’t there from the partner. There’s nothing wrong with first making an honest effort to establish mutual respect before diving into dating.

      • JuliAnn-117132 March 15, 2017 Reply

        Couldn’t agree more esp your last paragraph.

      • Patrick-341178 March 17, 2017 Reply

        When men and women become “friends,” it almost never develops into something more down the road. Ok, there are some exceptions, but it is very rare. Now, sometimes I will tell a woman I want to get to know her as “friends first” before diving into a relationship. I say that to take some of the pressure off. But, to be honest, if it doesn’t develop into something more within a few months, I am going to move on to someone else. I’d probably keep her as a “facebook friend” or acquaintance, but that is it. I am not going to just pointlessly keep “hanging out” with her hoping someday it will lead to something more, which again, almost NEVER happens.

        • Darin-1415639 March 20, 2017 Reply

          Patrick you seem to be convinced that friendships with the opposite gender rarely develop into more. Do you have any statistical or other evidence of this?
          Quite honestly if I started dating someone, I would be far more reluctant to be active friends with another woman, because I would be concerned that it WOULD develop, and although I’m single it still would be unfair to my gf not to take our relationship seriously.
          And I wouldn’t want my woman to be as active friends with other men as before the relationship, because that would mean that she wouldn’t be taking our relationship seriously.

          So… Should a man not worry about these things, because falling for a friend of the opposite gender almost NEVER happens? Really? I won’t take that chance man.

          There is however one thing I agree with in what you said. A woman’s stress response. When she feels that a guy is attentive to her out of interest in her that she currently doesn’t reciprocate, typically her stress response is activated: she worries about disappointing the poor guy (women are too nice). This stress impedes liking the guy. It is probably very rare for a girl to start liking a guy when she is currently stressed that he likes her and that she might disappoint him by not liking him back. Now THAT I agree with!

          • Patrick-341178 March 21, 2017 Reply

            No. I didn’t do any deep statistical analysis. Not a term paper. LOL. It is anecdotal based on my life experience. I have NEVER once dated any woman who I was friends with first and I also don’t know anyone who has. I realize that it does happen, but I can pretty reasonably conclude based on my life experience that is RARE. I have lived a fairly social life both in person and on social media so given that I don’t know of one example of a couple who were besties and then became a couple, I can reasonably conclude it doesn’t happen very often. I do remember reading and article once here on catholicmatch where it did happen, but that guy had a million times more patience than most guys ever would!

            Your whole point about a woman’s stress response is a lot more complex than really what I intended, but I suppose if it lead to a moment of agreement between us, I’ll take it. However, I don’t know if I would agree that “women are too nice.” Some are, but probably more men are for their own good. I don’t know if you are referring to my personal example I discussed earlier in comment section. In her case, she probably was too nice. It took her 3 days to get back to me and detailed discussion before it was a clear “No, I am not interested in going out with you now or forever.” Of course in this case, it was a little different because we are facebook friends and have many mutual facebook friends, so I imagine she was trying to be delicate because of that. If she has simply been a random woman here on catholicmatch, I imagine she wouldn’t have been so delicate, but hard to say for sure?

          • Darin-1415639 March 22, 2017 Reply

            Thanks. Appreciate the input, man! I concur that increased friendship might often decrease the chance of a relationship. That said, some of us aren’t ready right away. The way I see it, if we’re not currently sure that we want a relationship with her, then getting friendzoned is probably a chance we should be willing to take.

        • David-1054431 April 11, 2017 Reply

          Agree. It’s very rare that a friendship later blooms into a romance.

  20. Christina-1384564 March 13, 2017 Reply

    friendship is great when shared; it comes out as a feeling in both persons. when you should feel more than that, do not hesitate to reflect and go away…to respect Others is to believe in their words: friendship is friendship. beautiful and sometimes richer than love feelings.

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