Do You Know How To Talk To Women?

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Do you know how to talk to women?

Have you ever been on a date where the conversation just sorta ended? A couple of years back I met a girl on CatholicMatch and we began to communicate back and forth on email. There was enough mutual interest that we decided to meet in person. We met for dinner and despite our initial spark online, the conversation really struggled. After an hour we simply ran out of things to talk about. We mutually decided that there wasn’t much potential for a relationship, and so we went our separate ways.

I sometimes reflect on that conversation-less date and wonder to myself, “would there have been potential for a relationship if I was better at conversation?”

My greatest lessons always come from failure, and I failed that day at making a great conversation with a very nice gal. After that failed attempt at communication, I was determined to become a great communicator.

What makes for a good conversation?

Every conversation has the same basic flow pattern and structure. It doesn’t matter if you just met the person, or if he is a long time family friend, or even family member.

The conversation could be at a business networking event or on a date. All conversations follow the same pattern: question, answer, statement. Let’s look at these three parts more in-depth.

1. The Question

Conversations start with a question. That question can take many forms but it has to be asked in order to get the conversation going. Imagine yourself perusing the CatholicMatch profiles and you see a potential guy or gal you are interested in.

How do you first reach out? A question! “Hey, in your profile you mention that you’ve traveled all over the world. What is your favorite place to visit?” This kind of conversation starter can be used both online and in person.

The particular type of question that I prefer to use to start the conversation with the ladies is what I call the compliment-question.

“I noticed you were praying with a really nice rosary after Mass today. Is the Rosary your favorite devotion?”

Caveat Lector: the cheesy pickup line must be avoided at all cost. Great conversation is great because the opening question is genuine. Pickup lines tend to not be genuine and are conversation killers.

2. The Answer

The answer is a necessary and critical part of the conversation, and will either make or break it. The answer can be the start of a great relationship or it could be that proverbial door shutting in your face. And, it’s the part of the conversation that we, as the questioner, cannot control. I’ve often heard it said that the best lawyers already know the answers to the questions that they are asking. On the contrary, the best daters don’t have a clue what the answer is! And because they don’t know, they have to to listen.

Listening is difficult and essential. Have you ever met the person that seems to ask a question in order to launch into a monologue about themselves?

“Wait a minute, you asked me about the weather. How did we start talking about your frizzy hair and hair stylist?”

To be a good conversationalist you must be a good listener. That means you must listen to what the person says. This might sound pretty basic and intuitive, but listening doesn’t come naturally to most people and is a skill that has to be developed through practice.

Being a good listener requires that you hear what is actually being said and not let your mind wander. Admittedly, I’m not a very good listener.

When I am having a conversation with my fiancée, I often get distracted by her breathtaking beauty. I’m looking her directly in the eyes and by all appearances I’m listening. But my mind is wandering! Instead of being present in the conversation, my mind is fixated on her beautiful blue eyes.

By the time I snap out of it, I have no idea what she said and she is asking me a question to which I then have to embarrassingly admit I didn’t hear. Not listening and not being present are conversation killers.

Dating tip: Don't ask a question just to launch into a monologue about yourself. Listen instead!Click To Tweet

When you are listening, try to focus on what is being said. Don’t be thinking of witty comeback or what your next line will be. And please, don’t ask a question only to start talking about yourself.

3. The Statement

After you ask a question and listen to the response, you need to relate to the person you are in conversation with by making a statement. The statement is your time to shine as good conversationalist.

“Your profile mentions that you like traveling. What is your favorite spot?”

“I travel a lot for work and I really enjoy it. My favorite place is probably Rome.”

“Really?! I spent a semester in college studying in Rome. It’s a beautiful city. What about Rome makes you enjoy it so much? …”

The statement helps you to relate to the person that you are having a conversation with through a common experience or shared emotion. The best conversationalists are always the most interesting people because they relate wonderful experiences and always know a little something about everything. Your experiences make you who you are, and who you are is interesting. By being interesting, you will then easily be able to build trust and rapport and ultimately keep the conversation going.

On a first date? Beware the question train!Click To Tweet

Be careful of the question train where all you do is ask a series of questions! The statement helps you to avoid the question train by breaking up a line of questions. Asking questions without offering something of yourself oftentimes comes off as being rude. Conversations build trust, and part of building trust is offering something of yourself.

4. Your Disposition Sets The Tone

Remember, the mind leads the body and the body leads the mind. When trying to start a conversation, it is important to be in a situation that disposes you to conversing. I am generally a pretty chatty guy, so says my fiancée. Given the right situation and topic, I can talk your ear off. But I am horrible at talking and carrying on a conversation when I am tired. I simply don’t have the energy to invest emotionally in the conversation, and I fall back into the faults of my melancholic introverted temperament. I discovered this about myself when I was in the dating world, and generally tried to be well rested before I went out on dates.

Dating tip: Know yourself. If you're tired or grumpy, don't bring that to your date. Eat and get happy beforehand!Click To Tweet

I’m also a better conversationalist when I am happy. Being happy will generate an uplifting and happy conversation. I went out with a girl once who was really struggling at work and in life. She was a nice girl but the conversation was depressing. If you are in a blue funk, here are some tips to get out of it. Put on a smile, be happy, and have an exciting conversation!

Conversation is a basic life skill that can help you succeed in both your dating life and your work life. You can practice the art of conversation online or in person, with a date, a spouse, a co-worker, a family member, or some random person on the street.

So tell me, how is the online dating going? Have you met anyone interesting lately?



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6 Comments

  1. Patrick-341178 May 14, 2017 Reply

    Maybe it is not always possible on a first date, but I like to plan activity dates so It isn’t necessary to keep the conversation flowing every second.

  2. Stephanie-1368834 May 11, 2017 Reply

    +JMJ+
    Fluid conversations take practice. It also takes effort on both parties to keep a good conversation going. As this article highlighted, listening is key; even if you’re discussing a topic that may not be something you’re familiar with or have much interest in. There is also a stark difference in conversing online as opposed to in real life. In my personal experience, I’ve found that speaking to a guy face-to-face affords me to gauge better what he’s like overall. God bless.

  3. Chris-1223599 May 9, 2017 Reply

    Sounds good and all, but when I get nervous, my conversations and attention are out the window and the date is over before it started. It’s happened many many times.

  4. Stuart-1290074 May 9, 2017 Reply

    Well if you can have a spark with emails and such then you should be able to do it in person. Nobody is perfect. Its a brutal world with the dating scene today. I agree the more you can ask questions about the interests of the other and vise versa is a good thing to keep things going but no first date should end because of conversation not going as well as the emails. First dates will never be easy nor totally without running out of things to say. Life is not perfect. If you spend much time getting to know someone through emails and chats and the first date is clumsy so be it. I have known many in the past that had bad first dates but gave it a chance and many are married to this day. I think if we get over the emphasis on looks in person, materialism and careers, past drama, as well as unresolved conflicts from someone in the past that will help also when first dates occur. The goal is to have a good time and really appreciate meeting that person face to face. Stuart

    • Renee-1099332 May 10, 2017 Reply

      I agree very much with your last two statements, Stuart. We have to get past the image we have projected of the person in our minds and accept who is in front of us–and seek to see their own goodness and uniqueness even if it is different than we envisioned.

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