“A little error in the beginning leads to a great one in the end,” warns the great Saint Thomas Aquinas. Of course, he’s talking about philosophy and theology, but the same principle holds true in almost any human endeavor–including romance. Starting out right has implications for the entire future of a dating relationship.
Rachel Glik, a therapist with 30 years of experience working with individuals and couples, recently explained for CNBC some common errors that couples tend to fall into early in their relationship–with potentially devastating effects over time.
Here are some things to avoid, based on Glik’s tips:
- Don’t neglect to educate yourself.
For some reason, we often assume that successful romantic relationships “just happen.” A Hollywoodized vision of relationships clouds our vision, making us believe that when you find “the right one,” everything will click into place and just happen naturally. You’ll get along swimmingly because you’re just so “in sync.”
But the real world isn’t like that. Relationships take work. However great the chemistry between you and your significant other might be, however deep your feelings, relationships still require effort and sacrifice. Part of that effort involves educating yourself on how to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, and developing key relationship skills to advance that goal. As Glik puts it, “most of us don't realize we need to learn how to be a good partner: to deal with conflict effectively, to become a good listener, to repair, and to continually invest in staying connected.”
- Don’t expect your significant other to perfectly fulfill you.
Again, thanks to Hollywood, the music industry, and other misleading information, many people suffer from the misconception that all they need to be happy in life is romance. We place an enormous burden on the shoulders of our beloved if we expect that they can bring us perfect contentment and satisfy all our desires. Some people seek their very identity in a relationship, forgetting that identity must be formed independently of a romantic relationship. Otherwise, you have nothing to give in the relationship and will likely form unhealthy attachments.
Certainly, a romantic relationship–which finds its fulfillment in marriage–is a beautiful thing that can shed a great deal of light in our life and bring a whole new world of happiness with it. But those who enter dating or marriage expecting that the other person will completely fulfill them will be disappointed. In the end, your beloved is a fallen and imperfect creature, like you are. In fact, to falsely idealize someone or your relationship with that person is a kind of idolatry. However much you might love your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, you cannot make them the final end of your life, which belongs ultimately to God, who alone can perfectly satisfy your heart. As St. Augustine–who had a long-term relationship with a woman before dedicating himself to the priesthood–famously said to the Lord, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in thee.”
- Don’t view all conflict as bad.
According to Glik, young couples frequently believe that a good relationship will have no fighting, disconnection, or conflict. But real, authentic relationships often do include conflict, and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s often a step to a deeper connection and a more mature relationship. Glik writes, “A living, breathing relationship or marriage actually means disconnecting and reconnecting many times. This is how we build trust and grow.”
Similarly, Saint Francis de Sales says that when friends (or in our case, couples) fight and then reconcile, the relationship actually becomes stronger than it was before the argument.
Sometimes little conflicts can and should be forgotten and forgiven, and a little selflessness can smooth them over. But at other times, for more significant disagreements, the problem shouldn’t be avoided. It needs to be faced. The sunlight needs to be let in so that clarity and resolution can be reached and the relationship can move forward, even if that process brings some pain with it.
- Don’t try to force your loved one to change.
Inevitably, the longer you date someone or are married to them, the more their flaws begin to crop up. These flaws or annoying habits can become quite difficult to deal with, and a natural response is to try to make your loved one change. Certainly, you should always aim to help your spouse or girlfriend, or boyfriend grow in virtue and correct their faults. But if you try to force them to change simply because you’re annoyed by the way they are, it won’t end well.
One of the most important virtues in any relationship is patience. When something about the other person irritates you, it’s actually a gift–an opportunity to grow in virtue yourself. Glik has an excellent little list of questions to ask yourself if you feel inclined to criticize or change your beloved:
"Could I use this moment to become more patient, secure with myself, tolerant, or unconditionally loving?"
"Is there growth for me here?"
"Do I do something similar?"
"Am I expecting perfection?"
"Am I appreciative enough of all that my partner is and gives?"
- Don’t forget to prioritize your love!
After marriage, as time begins to pass, the early intensity of the relationship can start to wear off. It’s essential that you foster your love and keep reminding yourself and your spouse that they’re the most important person in your life. As life responsibilities multiply, couples encounter a real temptation to forget what it was that drew them together in the first place: their love for one another. “The most common threat I see to that priority is when a couple becomes a family with children,” Glik writes. “In-laws, work, or too much concern about what others think at the expense of your partner's needs or feelings can also interfere.”
For this reason, it’s important to make an intentional decision from the start–even before marriage–that you’ll always prioritize your beloved. “Young couples should be on the lookout from the get-go for simple ways to fight for their relationship and make their partner feel cherished.”
Glik recommends a regular “date night” and “growth night.” A date night is for fun, and a “growth night” is a chance to talk about your relationship, what’s going well and what isn’t.
- Don’t forget about the rest of the world.
Just as it’s a mistake to let work and responsibilities drown your relationship with your spouse, it’s also a mistake to focus so much on one another that you forget what you owe to family, friends, and the world in general.
Plus, healthy relationships are partly built on common goals.
How can you improve the world? What works of charity can you engage in together? This selflessness will not only help others in your life, it will also purify and elevate the bond between you and your romantic partner. In Glik’s words, “Looking for ways that you — individually and as a couple — can make the world better adds a dimension of strength and fulfillment that no amount of need-satisfaction can bring to your bond.”
Generosity and self-sacrifice lie at the very center of a strong relationship and marriage. It only makes sense to foster those qualities outside the marriage, too.
