Let me set the stage for this post by describing three people who crossed my path in the past year. The first is a wonderful, faithful woman who is convinced she is called to marriage. Yet, after years of singleness, she has not found a suitable helpmate.
The second is a middle aged man, who bought into the cultural practice of using women for his own pleasure and now struggles to "be the man" he knows God wants him to be.
The third is a twenty-something female who has decided to deny her sexual feelings and forego any romance or attraction to another person. In her mind, this is the only way to be chaste in today's world.
These 3 people have 1 thing in common
Here's the context behind each encounter. The first woman called me after attending a conference where I presented. She was moved by the message of accompaniment that I shared. She felt like she could tell me her sad story of searching for a spouse because I would listen.
The man approached me after a fertility appreciation talk that he and his son attended. Something in the talk pierced a deep rage inside of him because he had never learned about sexual self control and how to respect women. "Why didn't someone teach me this years ago?" he asked.
And the young woman called me out of the blue after reading a blog post on CatholicMatch. She wanted me to affirm her rejection of sexuality as a way to avoid irritation and annoyance.
What do all of these individuals have in common? They are angry. The anger is causing them pain. They want to make sense of the pain and anger. But they don't know how to do so.
The experience of deep grief is known to all of us. It is part of the human condition. It is unpleasant, often debilitating and difficult to deal with. Because it can be so negative, many people just "suck it up" and try to move on. Sadly, that rarely works and the pain eventually catches up with them.
Do you know what lamenting means?
Dealing with grief that stems from marriage related issues is a part of marriage ministry. In fact, as Catholic ministers, we have access to an expression of grief that is often overlooked: lamenting.
What is lamenting? According to Pope Francis it is a form of prayer where a person lifts their deep grief directly to God. You know that David lamented and that the Book of Lamentations is a collection of five poems filled with anguish about the destruction of Jerusalem. The examples found in the Bible teach us that lamenting is a sacred way to bare one's soul to God, asking him to share in the pain and suffering.
This may sound strange, but lamenting is a way through sorrow that results in joy. And that is why it is a good thing to remember when dealing with a person who struggles with an issue regarding marriage. When I am tapped by someone to listen to their story of woe, here is what I try to remember.
1. People need help as they deal with what is real. The single woman is dealing with the truth that not everyone who desires marriage will get married. The man who led a life of sexual sins is dealing with bad habits that have to be changed. The twenty-something is dealing with a denial of sexuality which is considered a good by God. The way to help them deal is to give them your time so they can share their story.
2. People need someone to meet them in their grief. It is very hard for people to share their anger constructively and completely. Most people are afraid to give you the full truth because they think they will be judged or abandoned. As marriage ministers, we must encounter these children of God in the same way Christ did—Christ pursued and stayed with the sinner. He didn't leave them. He let them empty themselves out to him, and he received their sins.
3. People need permission to cry out to God. Listening to them and being affected by them is so important. But we have to remember, listening won't fix their reality. Only God can heal their pain. Give them permission to tell their story (in great detail) to God. Encourage them to fully reveal their reality to him.
Here's something we can count on. If we accompany those who come to us, receive and sacredly hold their story in our heart, we have prepared them to give themselves totally to God who is the divine healer. The more they reveal to God, the more mercy and forgiveness they will experience. And this is how they will turn their sorrow into joy.
