The papers have been signed, and you leave the courthouse, and you’re left wondering, “Now what?” Possessions and finances are split up. Maybe there are pets or children involved.
Your mind is swimming (and overwhelmed) with emotions, feelings, and wondering where and how to begin to pick up the pieces.
That was me nine years ago after my own divorce.
It was a cool spring day at the beginning of April. My parents drove me to downtown Detroit to the courtroom. I still remember the way my parents and I walked out together after it was all done; I was sandwiched in between them. A love sandwich from two of my biggest cheerleaders.
My mom gave me a really good piece of advice that day as we drove back home. “Patty,” she said, “you don’t have to figure it all out right now, sweetheart. Just do the next right thing. Figure out what you need right now and then go do it.”
Just Do the Next Right Thing
That advice comforted me many times over the years as I learned how to build a new life for myself. Here are four helpful things to consider for yourself, or someone you know, in the aftermath of a divorce.
1. Build New Rhythms
You need to find a new way of doing things, of living your life. After the painful loss of a spouse through divorce, it can feel very ungrounding and scary. Build new rhythms and patterns into the new life you’re building.
Get more involved in community service or serving in your parish. Join a book club. Take an art class. Try new ways of prayer in your daily prayer life. Go on a retreat. Add new things into your life to support you as you grieve and heal.
2. Go to Therapy
Now you might think you don’t need to go to therapy. I would say that you probably do, especially after a traumatic event like a divorce. Find someone who has experience with traumatic events such as divorce. Also consider talking to a trusted priest who can offer insight as well. Most priests have been trained in counseling.
Find a safe, outside perspective to help you take an account of all that happened. Look at your part in the marriage and not just your ex-spouse's role. Reflect on what you learned from the experience. What would you have done differently?
Be open to digging deep in therapy. I promise that your future self will thank you.
3. Wait to Date
For the love of all things sacred, please do not be a person who jumps right back into marriage. I was amazed at how frequently on dating apps, I encountered men who were newly divorced, and some were only separated and not even legally divorced yet. If your marriage was in the Catholic Church, technically, you’re still married, and it is prudent to wait to date until you have attained an annulment.
Give yourself time and space to heal before dating again. By the time I started dating again, it was about 13-14 months. My annulment had come through, and I felt peace with easing back into dating, but in a much different way than before.
Don’t start dating too soon; you will know when your heart and mind are ready.
4. Surrender
I have never been much of a novena person. But the spiritual discipline of daily surrender to Jesus in my life definitely helped me navigate a new life, which included post-divorce dating (okay, lots of dating!), job changes, a move to the other side of the state, and eventually meeting my husband.
The Surrender Novena refrain is, “Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything.” Those words have become my anchor, a lighthouse to guide me on the path, especially when life feels hard or uncertain.
While most novenas are nine days long, I still pray this daily…because that is how much I need to surrender to Jesus, literally everything in my life.
Surrender it all to Jesus...
- your marriage, ex-spouse, and your divorce. Give Him your healing process - your anger, fears, hopes, and dreams. He can take it all and use it to build something new, something different for you.
Surrendering your life to Jesus is one of the best ways I know to stay grounded in both faith and hope.
