We are in a time where the once social act of dating has been heavily overshadowed by apps which make selecting (or rejecting) a potential match as easy as swiping your finger.
Finding the proper spouse is probably one of the most intensive discernments you'll engage in, and now the effort most singles are investing is lower than ever.
Marriage is a vocation, even more than your career is.
It will shape your character, your family, how you engage with society as a whole after that point, and it's not something you can approach lightly. For me, getting out of the disposable and minimal effort mindset was the key, and approaching it biblically is when it all turned around.
“Anything you can turn your hand to, do with what power you have; for there will be no work, no planning, no knowledge, no wisdom in (death), where you are going...” - Ecclesiastes 9:10
Dating, for me, was something I approached passively. Before “the apps,” I approached women I liked, mostly on a physical level, in person. This was not often a successful ploy. I would reach out to women I used to know or share a connection with, hoping to rekindle something, if only to stave off loneliness for a little while longer. This was also often unsuccessful. Only once dating apps became the most common method of connection did I really start to see my dating life take off, although success in this arena was something ill-defined.
Could I get dates? Yes. Could I get second dates? Rarely.
Did anything deeper blossom from these connections? A few times, for a while, and then nothing.
Because of the poor ratio of effort to result, I didn't invest a lot of time or energy into either approaching women or staying in relationships with them. It was like a minimum wage job I didn't really want, but I needed money for food.
I gave minimum effort and got minimal results.
Rejection, and the internalization of it, played a huge part here, too. Why bare your soul and open yourself up to a stranger only for them to ghost you or decide you're not worth being exclusive with? Some think that marriage is such a laughable concept that it's not even on the table.
Why risk the pains of being told “I don't think you're worth spending my future with” in so many words and actions when you can just pull out your phone, swipe on a couple dozen photos, and respond to a few matches that night with “what's up,” “hey,” or “haha,”? You can easily get someone's phone number, get a drink on the weekend and start Monday in the same position you left it last week, rolling your boulder back up the hill.
After a while, you may even start to see all women as only being worth this little effort, and if that's the case, why even bother at all?
Being in a relationship takes a lot of work - this isn't a revelation to anyone, whether they've been in one or not. Being the best version of yourself to give yourself wholly and worthily to another takes even more work. Seeking your partner is easy, as about half the population of the planet, at least on a technical level, meets your requirements. Finding the correct partner - now that's a Herculean effort, and not something you can do carelessly or in passing.
When I realized, after much prayer and counsel with my parish priest and peers, that I had been approaching dating and finding my wife with the same effort and thoughtlessness that I would use to select a bag of chips from a vending machine, I knew that I needed an entirely new, healthier, and more dignity-affirming approach. God makes this very explicit in Matthew 6:33: "Seek first His Kingdom, and all else follows."
Dating started to click for me when I did two things:
1. First, I focused on an app that would match me with someone seeking the same things as I was. CatholicMatch was recommended by more than a few couples in my church who had met and married their spouse through it. I found this out because I would approach people, young couples especially, and just ask about their story. How did they meet? What worked for them? "CatholicMatch" was a common answer. Using this Catholic site, the difference was stark. Whereas on most “hookup” or other gimmicky disposable apps, you see a couple of pictures of someone trying to look hot and maybe a line or two where they try to be clever or witty. You decide if you want to try and ultimately have some form of relationship with them within 2 or 3 seconds.
CatholicMatch has the classic style of fully fleshed out profiles, photos that generally paint a more complete picture of the member, and gives you an idea of whether or not you are simpatico on important long-term issues. Selecting the “Catholic” filter on most secular swiping apps yielded me more Protestants and atheists than Catholic women, and usually, at best, it was simply “Oh yeah, I went to Catholic elementary school, but I haven't been to church in years.”
2. To that end, the second thing I did was start to approach dating like it was my full-time job. This wasn't something I would just throw together and approach slapdash and hope for the best. I focused, researched, and took my time. I read articles about what users of the site were looking for or found useful. I tailored my profile to try and paint an honest and open portrait of myself, knowing that in doing so, I might limit my appeal to some women. I found photos that painted me in an attractive, but honest light, and put effort into them. No driver's seat selfies, no underexposed outdoor photo of me in a hat and sunglasses, no post gym pump mirror flex selfies, nothing unflattering, nothing ambiguous.
I also opened myself up in the write-ups, being honest and straightforward without being off-putting. This can be a delicate needle to thread if you're not very socially apt. However, an honest view of you and your soul is worth everything to the right woman, even if it's not every woman's cup of tea. To put this in other words, on other apps, I was very attractive to many sorts of women, but none of them were women who were attracted to me.
Putting my full effort into online dating, including always responding to any message that I received and endeavoring to start at “yes” and work to “no” rather than the other way around, opened my eyes to how much stronger and more real the connections I made could be. Even if someone messaged me and I wasn't initially into them, I made the effort to approach with an open mind. God often opens a door when you least expect it, and it is incumbent upon you to enter it.
I got fewer dates through CatholicMatch than I did through the other secular apps, but the ones through CatholicMatch were deeper, better connections in general, and always led to at least a second date. I think it is important to note that the stress of modern secular expectations (like sex before marriage) being off the table for both interested parties led to these better connections. Dating to marry, which is what I presume we here are all aiming for, requires a depth of effort you simply cannot avoid for success.
Take a moment to examine your conscience - are you approaching your search like it's the most important thing for your future?
Are you in a position to be another person's forever? I don't mean things like finances or temporary living situations; these will always fluctuate. I mean, are you able to have a marriage-worthy relationship? Are you pining for someone else? Do you know yourself well enough to be 100% open with a stranger? Are you pretending to be someone you're not to appeal to someone you want? It wouldn't work at your job - you can't fake it for too long before someone realizes you're not qualified - so it won't work here either.
Put in your best effort to reap the reward, but even more than that, you will open yourself up to opportunities you would have otherwise missed. Deeper waters are seldom still. Approach this like the important vocation that marriage is, and not only will your successes multiply, but you will put yourself in an even better position to receive your forever partner.
