How long is too long?
Here are some questions to answer the question...
Wondering how long you should be in the “talking” phase before committing to a relationship?
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to clarify if you are moving towards a relationship, or moving towards a stalemate.
Are you local or long-distance dating?
The first thing to ask yourself is whether you are dating locally or long-distance. The timing of when to be exclusive varies greatly between these two types of dating.
For local dating, the timeline may move more quickly because you can see your date more often. You'll have more dates and time to get to know them during a shorter period.
In long-distance dating, the timeline may be more extended because you cannot see your date as often. There is more time between dates.
For example, the "talking" stage can last only a few weeks if you are dating in person, but months if you are long-distance dating. Especially if your date wants to ask you to be exclusive when he sees you in person but has to wait months between dates!
My now-husband and I talked long-distance for three months before he asked me to be his girlfriend. This may sound like a long time, but we actually only went on three dates during that period. That would translate to about three weeks of local dating (if you went on a date each weekend), which sounds appropriate.
Basically, if you go on about three to five dates (usually a few weeks locally or a month or two long-distance) and they haven't asked you to be exclusive, you should consider bringing it up.
Note: I have known some couples who date long-distance and become exclusive on date one!
If there is extensive communication before meeting, this can totally work!
Another note: There are very few exceptions where you should become exclusive BEFORE meeting someone in person. It's a good rule of thumb to meet them first to make sure they are:
A. a real person and
B. you feel a connection.
Speaking of bringing up the big question…
Have you talked about being exclusive yet?
Probably the most important thing you can do if you are wondering if you've been talking too long is to just ask.
Are you feeling confused about if you are official yet? Don't leave it up to chance. Being exclusive requires a verbal agreement; it is not just a feeling or understanding.
Sometimes it's as simple as saying, “Where do you see this going?” or “What do you think about being exclusive?”
If you are afraid that asking about commitment will scare them away, that is a huge red flag. Run for the hills! You want a date who is head over heels and positive they want to be with you.
Is there progression towards a relationship?
You can also look for progression in the "talking" phase toward something more serious.
Are you having the same kinds of conversations repeatedly? Have you talked about anything deep, or just surface-level topics? Are your messages feeling repetitive? These would be hints that your "talking" phase is stagnant and not moving towards a relationship.
Moving towards a relationship means you are having deeper conversations and emotionally connecting. You should be having more frequent communication that doesn't feel repetitive. You should be constantly learning new things about each other.
Note: You can look at progressions as clues, but don't focus solely on them as the answer.
You still need to talk about being in a relationship before you know for sure.
Does their behavior show signs of commitment?
You can look at your date's behavior for further clues if you are moving towards a relationship.
If this person wants to be yours, you will feel more secure about your connection as time goes on. They will make it obvious that you are important.
For example, they may talk about the future with you in it. They might start to bring you into other parts of their life like meeting friends and family.
In short, a good sign you are moving into relationship territory is when they make you feel chosen and not just an available person to hang out with.
In addition, here are some questions you can ask to help you understand what your actions are saying.
1. Have I lowered my expectations for this person?
If the answer is yes, that is a red flag! Just because you like someone does not mean they don't have to meet your expectations (as long as those expectations are realistic).
If no, fantastic! You like them, and there aren't obvious red flags about becoming exclusive.
2. Are they putting in the same effort as me?
If yes, great! You are both invested in getting to know each other.
If no, one of you is probably more attached than the other. Tread carefully and discuss your relationship soon.
You don't want to “just talk” with uneven levels of attachment for very long.
The more invested person may wait fruitlessly for the other to become attached. This could end in heartbreak.
3. If this was happening to my friend, what would my advice be?
If your advice is what you are doing, you are probably good to go.
However, if your unbiased advice would be to slow down, or to stop talking to them because of red flags, then you have your answer. It helps to view the situation from a different perspective. It can clear your judgment!
4. Is there anything meaningful I need to learn before deciding to be exclusive?
If yes, hold off on asking the big question. It's important to have your high-priority questions answered, like whether they attend Mass regularly and whether they want kids, before making the decision to be a couple.
You don't have to have everything figured out. But it is easier to have a solid base upon which to build a relationship instead of trying to put one together after you're already emotionally invested.
If no, go for it!
These are just some of the questions that you can ask yourself to answer the big question we all have during the "talking" phase: “How long is too long?”
