A lot of singles might say that a great first date is when you really hit it off with someone, or there was instant chemistry, or you feel like you've met your future spouse.
Once in a great while, those things might happen, but really, feelings like that are less a reflection of the date itself, and more about your emotional state that day.
So, what actually makes for a great first date?
In reality, a great first date doesn’t mean instant fireworks or hearing wedding bells in your future. A great first date means you got to know someone better and learned whether you want to go on a second date with that person. Really, that’s all a first date can do! So, the first thing we all need to remember about first dates: take the pressure off.
First dates are NOT marriage discernment. They are NOT a betrothal promise. They are not even to decide exclusive relationship status. First dates are simply FIRST DATES!
How are first dates different than marriage discernment?
Here on CatholicMatch, I’m specifically talking about first dates with someone you’ve met online. A first date between previous platonic friends, or with a coworker of a year, or even a reconnection with an old flame are all very different from meeting for the very first time ever. In the other situations, two people had a relationship in the real world that somehow prompted the date, and this foundation can speed up the dating process itself, too.
When you’re meeting up with an online connection, the first date is the very first meeting! Since there is no previous context where you knew each other, online first dates ought to be treated with lower pressure.
How can you set yourself up for a great first date?
There are a few really basic things we can all do to set ourselves up for a great first date. There are four general things you’ll want to plan out:
- Relaxed atmosphere. Save the fine gourmet restaurant for date three or four. Too formal of an atmosphere can make dates feel stiff and nervous, and you’re probably already a bit jittery! A simple, low-pressure environment will keep the focus on your date, rather than on your awkward stilettos or on how hot the suit and tie feel.
- Appropriate time commitment. Wait on the Superbowl tickets and the full day of hiking your national park. These are fantastic dates, but too long for the very first meeting. Find something where you can spend one or two hours together before parting. (And if the date is going great, you can always chat longer!)
- Conversational softballs. It’s really awkward trying to make conversation in a blank white room. Where can you go that has a beautiful landscape, or trivia cards on the table, or a museum nearby? Having an icebreaker can soothe first date nerves and prompt a more relaxed conversation.
- Comfortable environment. Pick a place where you can comfortably sit, walk side by side, and hear each other without shouting or craning your neck. Double-check the weather if you’re planning to be outside, so you don’t accidentally get caught in rain or snow. Being physically at ease will help you both focus on each other and the conversation.
A quintessential coffee shop date easily ticks all these boxes, as does a walk in the park, a waterfront cafe, a baseball game, an ice cream parlor, or a trip to the zoo. And, once you’ve found one or two great options in your area, repeat them! There’s no need to reinvent the wheel for every first date.
Once you find what works, stick to it. Sometimes the best dates come out of a predictable routine.
What if I have a bad first date?
There are some easy backup plans to turn a dull date into a fun one: Check them out here. And truly, try not to worry too much about what to do if the date is going badly. I say give the other person the benefit of the doubt and wait it out for at least thirty minutes. Often, first date jitters make the initial conversation awkward, and anyone could be having a rough day. If the date is still going downhill after the first half hour, there’s nothing wrong with being kindly honest and ending the meetup early. And pat yourself on the back, because you succeeded in learning whether you wanted to go on a second date (in this situation: nope).
How can I have a first date when we are far away from each other?
Now that you’re a first-date-planning expert, you can apply the four basics to pretty much any location, no matter how far!
Meeting at the airport where your date is picking you up? Nothing wrong with hitting up the airport Starbucks right off the bat for a relaxed atmosphere. Not sure about an appropriate time commitment? Book two days at the hotel rather than two weeks. Who knows, you might be coming back for a second date!
Conversational softballs? Show your long-distance date a couple of your favorite haunts and talk about the first times you’d been there. Comfortable environment? Look up the weather ahead of time so you can pack the right clothes and ask your date where the best place to hang out is. Even a few hundred miles in a car can totally change the temperature outside–so while it might not be poolside weather in Wisconsin, it definitely is in South Carolina.
How can I have a better approach to first dates?
Perhaps this is the most important thing of all. If you’re going into every first date feeling grouchy and thinking “If this isn’t my future spouse, this is a waste of my time,” your dates will run.
But if you date thinking, “It’s always nice to get to know someone new, whether or not it goes anywhere,” your dates will notice! Everyone can sense the difference between someone who’s curious about them, and someone who’s only interested in a relationship status. On that same note, put yourself in the right attitude by taking care of yourself for a first date, too. Wear something you love, freshen up, and give yourself a pep talk.
You’re pretty cool, remember? Sure, you’re not everyone’s cup of tea, but someone out there will love your cup of apple cinnamon. And keep an open mind: who knows? You might be apple cinnamon, but your date’s Earl Grey personality might be exactly what you’re looking for.
