The provocative title of this article basically gets to the heart of the matter right from the get-go. Ladies - If you are dating someone, is he the wrong guy? It’s a fair question to ask. As a counselor and typical woman with friends in all walks of life, I’ve seen it happen many times before. A great woman gets frustrated/tired with waiting, finds someone who initially sparks some excitement, despite a red flag or two. She gives him a chance regardless of well-meaning concern from friends, and before she knows it, finds herself in a long-term relationship that’s going nowhere fast but carries such inertia that it’s hard to imagine getting out.
Let me back up a bit; I know that being single can be dang hard. It is very painful to watch friends and family members take their turn down the aisle and see beautiful growing families sitting on all sides of you at church. You try to make plans for the weekend while your list of single girlfriends continually dwindles. I have been there, I have lived it, and because of that, I know how tempting it can be to fill the void with a guy. But I’m here to make the argument that persevering in the above difficult moments (plus many, many more that this article doesn’t hold space to mention) is a far better option than saddling yourself with a guy who is little more than a warm body and emotional crutch.
Being with the wrong guy comes at a very high cost. A counterfeit relationship that keeps you from being available, both practically and emotionally, when the right guy does come around (however late he may be!) is a cost that isn’t worth paying. Temporarily dulling the pain of not being with “the one” will only make that pain greater in the future.
So, if no one is perfect, how do you know if he truly is “the wrong guy” or just a good guy with imperfections that your relationship is working through? While my initial response is that I bet you know the answer in your gut, let me give some practical guidelines:
-I hope it goes without saying: if there is any type of abuse; physically, verbally or emotionally, the presence of an addiction, a serious and unmanaged mental health disorder, or the lack of basic human skills such as holding a job or taking physical care of himself, then he most certainly is the wrong guy!
On a more nuanced note:
-What feedback are you getting on the relationship from close family and friends? Does the relationship leave room for those important people, or are you finding you’re becoming increasingly isolated?
-Have you developed negative habits (or lost good ones) since the relationship began? Do you find that together you’ve become more sedentary, less involved in other meaningful relationships, ordering in more, falling off with your prayer life, etc.? Or are the two of you prepping healthy meals together, volunteering, hitting the gym, committed to your prayer routines? I think you get the drift….
-Is he a leader? Does he have a vision for where his relationship with you is going, or is he complacent with where things are and avoids talking about the future? Does he plan meaningful and intentional dates (not necessarily synonymous with spending a lot of money, though sometimes a man putting his money where his mouth is doesn’t hurt) or do you find yourselves spending a lot of time on the couch with takeout? Does he respect your physical boundaries and ideally even share them? Is he on a projection to become a provider for a future family?
-Do you find yourself frequently comparing him to your brothers or friends’ significant others? Are there values and standards that you’ve compromised to be with him? If you’re honest, are there parts of him that you’re embarrassed about?
While I could go on beyond the above list, perhaps the best way to summarize your relationship is by asking if this man is truly someone you admire, respect, and find yourself growing with, or is he a mere placeholder/plus one at events? Again, I think the answer will come viscerally at a gut-level, but perhaps going through these questions and seeing the words in writing will help.
While emotionally painful, practically difficult, and probably something that makes you want to throw up at the thought of – if you know that you’re dating the wrong guy, I encourage you to do the hard thing and break it off. Unfortunately, your current predicament is one that will be painful either way – staying with the wrong guy is a silent torment of its own, and going through a breakup is, well, a break-up! Take the pain on the front end, go through the difficult break-up now, and free yourself up to be ready when the right guy who meets your standards and shares your values does eventually come around. He will, and you will be so incredibly grateful that you’re ready for him.
