How do you know it’s time to break up?
Nobody is quite on the same page about what a “breakup” actually entails. Does it count if you’re rejected online, or after a video chat? Coffee is only coffee, but is the third date decision time? Where’s the invisible magical line that makes a breakup a real breakup?! In the end, it doesn’t matter. Rejection hurts any time, and ending a connection is a necessary part of dating. Usually, a breakup happens because of one of three reasons:
- A dealbreaker crops up. These are pretty easy to spot. You’re on different pages regarding Catholic faith, sex before marriage, having children, life goals, or something seriously important to one of you. This is a no-brainer breakup. You are not cut out for each other and can politely walk away.
- Neither person feels a connection. Still pretty easy to spot: both people are lackluster and unenthusiastic about each other. It shows in things like poor communication, lack of chemistry, mismatched personalities, boredom, or a feeling of forcing it. It might take a bit more time to spot than a clear dealbreaker, but usually singles pick up on it before they’re an exclusive couple.
- The relationship gets one-sided. This is the tricksy one! One person is lukewarm, but the other is really invested in the relationship. This might happen during early dating, but it can also happen after exclusively dating for a while, too. It’s harder to spot an imbalanced relationship, because everything looks right on paper. But something feels off. The lukewarm person might be dismissing their own doubts, or keep dating to escape singleness. The invested person might be desperate and rushing it, or keep trying to convince the other person to give it just one more shot. Whatever the dynamic looks like, an imbalanced relationship is unhealthy. Somebody needs to end it, because the longer it plays out, the more painful it becomes.
Should you be honest during a breakup?
Yep. Honesty is necessary, as is kindness. When letting someone down, aim to be honest while sincerely wishing them the best. If you are the one being rejected, do your best to be polite and understanding in return. Online messaging, phone calls, and first dates can all be ended with short and sweet messages such as:
- “Thank you so much for your time! I’ve met someone else, and I hope you find the one you’re looking for.”
- “Thank you for inviting me for coffee again! You have been very kind, but I don’t think we’re a good fit. Best of luck out there!”
- “You seem great, but I’m not interested. Thanks anyway!”
Keep a very important thing in mind: don’t give advice to someone you barely know. "Early on rejection" is NOT the time to suggest someone change something about themselves. It might feel like well-meaning advice when you say it, but it comes across as critical and self-centered. Steer clear of “but” or “if only” or “I wish” statements like these:
- “I wish it could work, but you’re just not attractive to me.”
- “It’s not you, it’s me. I wish you lived closer!”
- “If only you were more interested in the Latin Mass, you’d have better luck dating.”
What if you’ve been dating for a while? How honest is TOO honest?!
If you made it past the first coffee date, and especially if you’re in an exclusive relationship, the breakup deserves an explanation. You’re no longer strangers on the Internet anymore! Make space for a longer conversation and be ready to offer more clarity on your decisions and feelings. Aim to politely point out the specific reason you’re ending things, while owning your own part in the situation. Be prepared to do some listening of your own, too, because your date will have their own perspective. Remember, kind honesty is the goal. I’ve been through my fair share of rejections, and the easiest ones didn’t assign blame or argue. They sounded more like this:
- “We’re not a good fit for each other. I’ve waited for the spark to show up, and for me, it’s just not there. You deserve someone who finds you really attractive.”
- “I am not comfortable with how far away you live. I need to work on my own ideas about long-distance relationships before getting involved in one.”
- “We seem really committed to attending different forms of Catholic Mass. I think we’d both be happier finding someone who already shares that preference.”
Should you get back together? What if you broke up too fast and changed your mind?
Ah, yes, the “it’ll be different this time” argument. Spoiler: it rarely is different. You run the risk of getting into an on-again, off-again relationship, which will keep you stuck in an insecure loop between dating and being chronically single. 90% of the time, it’s safe to let any breakup be permanent. The only exception is if the reason for your initial breakup has been resolved.
Perhaps he fully recovered from his pornography addiction, or she converted to Catholicism after a long faith journey, or your own annulment was finalized. In these very specific situations, it might be worth reconnecting. But in general, you and the other person will be better off building new relationships, rather than repeating the past.
How do you stay hopeful after breaking up?
Discouragement is a heavy burden to bear, especially when a once-promising connection collapses. It’s tempting to throw in the towel and wallow in misery. But one thing you can trust: God is using this breakup to teach you something and to lead you closer to the marriage He wants for you. Yes, that person wasn’t right for you after all. Yes, you’d pinned a lot of hopes on this relationship. And yes, it ended . . . and that’s a good thing.
Do we really want to hold on to a relationship outside of God’s plan for us? Of course not. So, take the hit, process the pain, and trust that your vocation is on the other side of this. Ask God to show you what to do next. Maybe it’s working on yourself, or taking a break from dating, or getting right back to playing the field. I don’t know.
But God does, and He’ll show you if you ask Him.
