Congrats! You’ve found and are now dating, or perhaps are engaged to, a really great guy. Cheers to you both! Alongside all the great stuff, perhaps you've found that interacting with his family has been a pain point in your relationship thus far.
What are your options for addressing this? How should you respond to the differences between your communication style and theirs? How do you address those differences with your boyfriend or fiancé without putting him on the defensive or pitting him against them?
Step 1: Figure out what’s bothering you.
Think about your last interaction with his family. Then broaden your scope and consider the whole of your interactions. What themes stand out? Do you find them…. weird? Overly sarcastic? Mean? Annoying? Too loud?
After you’ve figured out the adjective that describes your reaction to them, jot down a couple examples of the behavior that classifies as that adjective. For instance, “I felt annoyed when his mom commented negatively on my choice of profession.” “I felt embarrassed when his dad called attention to me in front of all the guests at his sister's wedding reception.”
Step 2: Do they have a reason to behave this way?
Also consider, are there extenuating circumstances in one or more of these situations that might explain their annoying behavior? Did you meet them at a really stressful time, like when someone else was getting married or a family member had died? Is there some external reason for their behavior or is this just their personalities?
Step 3: Could it be you, at least in part?
Did you meet or interact with them when you were far from home and perhaps jet-lagged? The problem could be largely on their side, but is it possible that you were very stressed or already anxious by the time you saw them? Long-distance relationships can be particularly conducive to high-pressure situations, since you may feel like you have such a short time together, need to get so much done, need to make a good impression, etc. And naturally, giving the benefit of the doubt is more difficult when you’re tired or feeling stressed.
Is it possible that the friction comes because of your unnecessary expectations?
For instance, if you’re an extroverted, people-loving person and they are largely introverted, is it possible you have an expectation that they too should be outgoing and talkative in order for you to feel connected to them? Or, if you strive for deep, meaningful connections, might you have a hope that you’ll connect with them via long, ponderous talks, even though you observe that they’re used to engaging in mostly small talk?
Step 4: Talk to him.
It’s possible your boyfriend, especially the better he knows you and is attuned to your emotions, has figured out that you don’t exactly click with his family. While you don’t necessarily need to schedule this conversation, give him a heads-up that it may be difficult. “Hey, babe, I’d like to have a conversation with you about your family, and it may be uncomfortable.”
Then, find a quiet, relatively calm moment to chat. “Babe, I’m unsure whether you’ve already figured out that I struggle to get along with your family. I thought about why this is, and here’s what I’ve come up with.” Share your examples, as simple and nonjudgmental as you can. Keep in mind that these are people that he loves and may be very emotionally close to. This may make it hard for him to accept your words, no matter how charitably you say them.
Take a little pressure off yourself by recalling that you do not have to convince him of anything in one conversation. You can simply present your experience to him.
Step 5: Resist the urge to exaggerate and/or pit him against them.
It's easy to want to exaggerate a little to make a point or to give one example after the other after the other so that he “gets” your perspective and agrees with you that they’re crazy, annoying, weird, etc.
But here’s the thing. As nice as it might temporarily feel to quickly win him over to your “team,” pitting him against them may backfire, both in the short-term and in the long-term. This can happen, either because they figure out what’s going on and warn him against being with you, or because he eventually feels like he’s being manipulated and begins to resent you.
Step 6: After you’ve said your peace, be quiet.
Rather than insisting that or acting as if he must take your side or come to some particular conclusion in your conversation, conclude by telling him that you want to get along with his family because they are important to him, and these are things that make it hard for you to do so. Let him know that you’re open to hearing that you may be a part of the problem.
And then get quiet so he can talk. He may want time to process what you’ve said. He may respond by saying that he knows what you mean and that those things frustrate him, too. Don't be surprised if he gets a little emotional and insinuates that you’re overreacting. Give him space to have whatever reaction he has. And then listen as graciously as you can to any critiques of your behavior that he offers in return, or tips for getting along with them better.
Step 7: Anticipate future conversations.
If you plan to be together for the long term, you’ll likely have many more conversations like this one. Each time, lead with charity, and pray ahead of time! As you consider how best to relate to them, take to prayer time, or Adoration, the words of Colossians 3:12-14. “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection.”
During each conversation, continue to give concrete examples and offer him space to share his honest feedback and observations about both your behavior and theirs. A truly great guy will naturally give increasing credence to what you say as you grow deeper in relationship, and you won’t need to “force” him to take your point of view on things. In turn, the closer you grow to him, the more contented you’re likely to feel wherever you are, including while with his family.
Perhaps you will never be finish-each-other’s-sentences-kind-of-close, but your charity towards them will go a long way in developing and maintaining a cordial relationship. Give both them and yourself time and space to relax, to grow, and to make mistakes. You are deserving of grace and forgiveness, and so are they. Cheers to your future!
