I don’t believe in the modern idea of a soulmate — that there is one special person somewhere in the world for every other person. Hallmark rom-com movies may believe it. I don’t.
There are over 8 billion people on this planet, and the idea that only one soulmate will be found if you look long and hard enough is a mathematical impossibility.
Besides, the idea of a soulmate can undermine a marriage by subtly implying that once one finds one's soulmate, a lifetime of bliss will follow. That person is in for a rude awakening.
No, soulmates are not found; they are made.
After three years of dating, I married my high school sweetheart in 1972. We were madly in love. As I have often noted, after years, my girlfriend confessed to being tired of being chased and was ready to get caught. We naively thought that once we were married, our frustrations satisfied, life would be an endless feast of enjoying the marital fruit.
If you had asked me back then if I had married my soulmate, I would have answered with a loud YES!
Then the children came. Five of them. Fast. Financial pressures mounted. For ten years, we changed diapers. We never had time for a real honeymoon period with our first child arriving just ten months after our wedding. We jumped into the deep end of the marital pool and had to learn fast how to survive. And that’s the first key to becoming a soulmate — you figure things out together. You survive the hard times together.
The Bible speaks in Genesis of a married couple becoming “one flesh.” This is more than just a physical reference, but a spiritual one. Want to become a soulmate to your spouse? Pursue oneness. I’m not talking about a marriage based only on sex. No, that's a sure-fire way to plant seeds of destruction in your marriage. Nor is it about always being like-minded with your partner or never having any disagreements or arguments. Pursuing oneness is more about sacrificial love. Spending time together in shared activities. That includes praying together.
Nothing draws you closer than when you pray together.
In his book The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage, Dr. Allen Hunt emphasizes the importance of small things. He points out that marriage is a garden, not a fruit stand. You have to tend it. Marriages thrive or decline based on the little day-to-day actions of a married couple. Positive interactions like a smile, a touch, listening closely to one another, or sharing an extended hug must outnumber the negative interactions by a 5:1 ratio.
“As you act daily like you are fond of and admire your spouse, you actually will become fond of and admire your spouse. As you smile, listen, touch, and appreciate him or her in the small things, your love will deepen and last.”
And much like a garden, you reap what you sow.
In other words, tending your marital garden is part of becoming soulmates.
When life happens, the marital bond comes under stress. Stress in a marriage serves one purpose: it highlights the weak spots in a relationship. If you are mature, you see this as an opportunity. What better way to strengthen a marriage or bond with your spouse than to work together through tough times?
When such weaknesses appear, it is tempting for a marital partner to take unfair advantage of their spouse. They criticize, belittle, and shame their partner, thinking it will somehow motivate them to address that weakness. What actually happens is that the marital fabric is stretched and torn. Bonds are undermined. These moments of truth serve as tests where a partner can either respond with harsh criticism that wounds the heart or choose to stand beside their spouse, offering unwavering love and support to work through whatever challenges they face.
One pivotal moment in my marriage occurred during a financial crisis. I made a costly mistake in poor judgment, and our financial security was at risk. That’s a somewhat diplomatic way of saying we were about to lose everything. I failed my wife and family and tearfully confessed to her the possible consequences. How did she respond? She had every right to be upset, to condemn me, and to vent her frustrations. Instead, she sat beside me, put her arm around my shoulders, and spoke tenderly to my heart. “I love you, and no matter what happens, we are healthy, we are a family, and we will simply start over if that’s what we need to do.” In my most vulnerable moment, she comforted me in a way only a spouse could. As I look back on our 38 years of marriage, I see this moment as the point where I knew we had become soulmates in every sense of the word.
So, what is a soulmate? It is that person whom, over time, you come to know and respect. It is someone who brings out the best in you, whose very presence in your life inspires you to become a better version of yourself. A soulmate embodies the idea of contentment for you. You become a soulmate when both of you find sacred joys in your relationship and yours alone.
The Celtic have a term for soulmates — Anam Cara. The idea is that when two souls are genuinely open and trusting, their souls flow together, forming an unbreakable bond. Trusting one another is about being transparent, the into-me-see kind of intimacy. This is what becoming soulmates is all about.
Becoming a soulmate is a joyful journey, a lifelong pursuit of oneness.
