I was twenty-seven years old, and still single. For five years I had been hoping to meet my future wife, without success.
I had been on a handful of dates in those years, and even had one Catholic relationship that I had hoped would lead to marriage, but it all came to nothing, and I was becoming anxious. Would I ever meet my wife? Had God, in His wisdom, decided to doom me to a life of searching but never finding her?
Even though the relationship did not lead to marriage, I learned a great deal from it. The young lady was devoted to the Holy Family, and because of that, I grew in devotion to Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. A short prayer one can say frequently is, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, assist me!”
Speaking of St. Joseph...
Time passed by. I still hadn’t found my future wife. So I turned in earnest to St. Joseph.
I made a long, dedicated novena to finding my wife through St. Joseph’s intercession. (Here’s the traditional one: https://catholicnovenaapp.com/novenas/st-joseph-novena/)
I recommend you pray this novena, and once completed, just start it up again. Make it a “perpetual novena” until you find your future spouse, or until God shows you that your vocation is something different.
After praying the novena for around thirty days, I met Catherine, who became my wife, on CatholicMatch!
Now, you may have prayed many novenas already—I had as well—but even if you have, don’t stop! Don’t give up. Show Our Lord that you are serious and won’t give up.
Catherine had only been on CatholicMatch for a week. I had been on the site for over four years. The moral of the story is: you never know when the person that God has intended for you will come into your life! So don’t get discouraged and drop off the site just because it has been months or even years.
Cleaning House
Is that all there is to it? Pray this novena, and you are good to go?
No! There is much more. You need to strive to become a saint.
That process starts with overcoming any grave sin in your life. Do you have serious vices? Face them directly and begin to work on growing in the opposite virtue. Start to fast and mortify yourself. This is the way of purgation, the first of the three stages in your spiritual life. Marriage and children will enrich your life in countless ways, but it won’t make your life easier!
Begin to do mental Prayer each day. Choose a simple book like My Daily Bread: https://tanbooks.com/products/books/my-daily-bread/. It has a short meditation for each day, following the three stages of the spiritual life. You could also meditate on the Imitation of Christ, or the book Divine Intimacy, or one of the sets of meditations that the saints have written, like St. Alphonsus Liguori. No matter where you are on your spiritual journey, there is a book that will be at your level and challenge you.
Always Put Your Best Foot Forward...
While the most important factor in making yourself marriageable is your spiritual life, your virtues, your heart, you should not neglect your outward appearance.
For young men, ask yourself: would a young woman look at you and think, “I can see myself marrying him?”
I met my wife online—more on that later—and I showed up for our first date wearing a T-shirt that I had gotten for free at a 5K race, jeans that were out of style by many years, white tube socks, and tennis shoes. Imagine my wife’s surprise when she walked out to meet me wearing a lovely skirt, cute top, and matching shoes. She took one look at me, said, “I’ll be right back,” and returned ten minutes later wearing something that, while still nice, more closely matched my overly casual appearance.
Little did I know that, during that time, she talked to her mother, explaining how clueless I was about how to present myself, and telling her that she intended to call off our date entirely and send me home packing!
Her mother, who from experience could see beyond my clothing, wisely counseled her daughter to give me a chance. “Clothes can be changed. But the inside is harder to change.”
Catherine took her advice, and we went out on our date, and God sparked the chemistry between us while we were on it.
It is comforting to know that, in spite of our blind spots and faults, Our Lord can make up for all of it. But we should not test Him by being slovenly, immodest, or lazy.
Meeting Online
As I mentioned, my wife and I met online, on CatholicMatch, long before it was popular or even socially acceptable.
She did NOT want to meet her husband online.
She, like many Catholic young women, had grown up reading books like Anne of Green Gables, and Little Women, and Pride and Prejudice. The lady meets the man in person, at an event, or at school, or as neighbors, and friendship builds over time—often with some conflict and difficulties mixed in—before love blossoms wonderfully, even inevitably.
Fast forward to today, and you are seeing someone who could be your future spouse as a little photo on a computer screen. Not quite as romantic!
As a male, pragmatic engineer, I didn’t have a problem with this at all. But for her, it was something she had to get used to and come to accept. We live in a time when communities and families are fragmented, spread out and split up. Many young singles find themselves in a city where they have no family or significant connections to help them meet a suitable partner. That means that online dating is here to stay, for better and for worse, so it behooves you to come to terms with how you want to approach it and what tradeoffs you are willing to accept in embarking upon it.
A High Standard Is Good, But…
While you want to set a high standard, you also must be realistic.
The most important non-negotiable should be a Catholic who is committed to Christ and His Church above all else. This quality is essential because it means they are personally committed to becoming a saint in their life, no matter what happens.
Even in a marriage, you cannot control what the other person will or won’t do. You can’t make them want to go to Mass, can’t make them want to teach your children the Faith, or lead them in it, or pray the Rosary.
Given that that fundamental commitment is met, while you need a basic degree of attraction to the person, beware of setting a physical standard that artificially narrows your pool of potential spouses: they must be really muscular, yet really lean, at least six feet tall, have a job that pays $150k or more, dresses sharply.
For men, don’t be allured by the online images of women who focus on their bodily beauty—probably none of such women are practicing the Catholic Faith, nor would they make good spouses anyway—and it is unhealthy and unrealistic to set such a standard.
The Things That Actually Matter...
Does she have feminine warmth that will make a good home for you and for your future children?
Does she have or is she willing to learn homemaking skills?
Does she practice her faith and want to grow in greater devotion and sanctity?
Can you have intelligent conversations with her—you will be talking with her a lot in the coming years!
You also need to think about how much you want to be married. Something so valuable is worth pursuing assiduously. Are you blasé about it? Are the years ticking by and you think “it’ll happen eventually?”
It may not happen eventually.
Make the effort now. Be willing to reevaluate your criteria, analyze whether you are putting up obstacles unwittingly, whether you are being overly critical (or not critical enough and wasting time in bad relationships).
It’s tough being single. I don’t envy you. It has gotten harder each generation, as our society drifts further and further away from the sure moorings of the Catholic Faith.
But God is greater. He is infinite Wisdom, and His ways are greater than yours are.
Do your part to become the person God wants you to be. And trust in God and in His Providence. It’s worth it!
