Sometimes we forget that dating is supposed to be fun! Yes, we’re serious about finding the right person to enter into the Sacrament of Marriage with, but that marriage - and the process of finding Mr. (or Mrs.) Right should be fun too. It certainly shouldn’t feel like a progression of disappointing interviews for a demanding job.
When you’re first getting to know someone, conversations can too often focus only on the big issues. Do you agree with the Church’s teachings? Are you addicted to social media? Have you ever considered moving out of your mom’s house?
The big issues are important, but it’s the little questions that give you a glimpse into the person you’re dating.
Is he going to get crabby when you’re hopelessly lost in downtown Boston? Is she addicted to Scandinavian Swimmers from Trader Joe's? Can either of you keep a houseplant alive for longer than a month?
Next time you’re meeting up for a first date with that sweet-faced accountant, pull out a few casual questions to lighten the mood and get a look into the heart and mind of the person you’re dating. All of these questions should include a follow up “why?” or something similar. Because you don’t just want a direct answer, you want understanding. Genuine conversations, even about the little things, build that understanding.
1. What’s your favorite restaurant to go out to? What’s your favorite thing to order there?
What we eat, where, and why can say a lot about us. My favorite restaurants have always been little cafes with wooden floors and really good coffee. Yours might be McDonald's - maybe you have memories of going there as a child, and going back reminds you of your 7th birthday. Everyone has a story; this gives your date the opportunity to share his.
2. Do you let your pets onto the furniture? If you don’t have pets, would you ever?
The pet conversation can get serious pretty quickly, so it’s helpful to approach it from a different direction. You might ask a date if he likes dogs or cats. He might say yes, and then 4 months later, he discovers that you meant, “Do you like sharing a bed with five 90 lb. dogs and two Siamese cats?” while he meant, “My miniature poodle is only allowed in the kitchen and living room.” Asking a casual question about how he might live with an animal can be the start of a whole new conversation.
3. Would you rather go to Yellowstone or Disney World on vacation?
Not everyone takes vacations, of course, but talking about them can be a great way to get to know what interests your date. Pick two very different places - which would you rather visit? What attracts you to that place? Is that the sort of vacation you’d choose in general? You might find out that neither is really your date’s ideal. Maybe he’ll say that he’d rather continue visiting the birthplaces of all the US Presidents on vacation instead, or that he only goes to his family’s summer-house in Scotland. Whatever the answer, you’ll know something new!
4. What’s one item you almost always buy when grocery shopping?
When I’m at the grocery store, I’m almost always going to pick up cheese. Nothing fancy, just a block of sharp cheddar. We love it. I use it all the time, and honestly, you can never have too much cheese. When we were first married, I found out that my husband always grabbed a bag of carrots. It was the main snack food in his family growing up. Grocery habits are interesting, personal, and an ideal topic for casual conversation.
5. What’s your favorite music to drive to?
This could be a genre, an artist, or just one song that can make a drive to the post office feel like a life-changing road trip. What music fills up your date’s car with happiness and energy? And, while general questions about music: “what kind of music do you listen to?” can be hard to answer - a more specific question like this can lead to some great conversations.
6. What are you reading right now?
My sister starts almost every in-person conversation with this question - she always wants to know what books I’m reading at the moment. And you can learn a lot from this question. My brother once asked a date what she liked to read, when she answered “twitter,” he knew they weren’t a match - but maybe you are! We’re all drawn to different types of books, and the best way to get to know a date is to take a peek at their book stack.
7. What did 10-year-old you want to be when he grew up?
My husband and I both wanted to wait tables. Maybe you wanted to be a jockey or a bookie - maybe you wanted to be a monk. Our childhood dreams are a beautiful part of who we are today.
Now, take it slow!
If you ask questions (even casual questions) one after another, you’re not having a conversation; you’re conducting an interview. Scatter casual questions into conversation - allow the questions to start a meandering conversation that covers a host of topics.
But keep these in the back of your mind and pull them out as you get to know your date. Enjoy the process of building a relationship!
