According to the US Census Bureau, over one in five couples have children from multiple partners. For Catholic couples discerning marriage, the reality is that death, divorce, and separations have affected many of us. If you are discerning marriage in your 30s or beyond, chances are the dating pool includes many potential dates with people who have children from a previous relationship.
Dating to marry someone with kids takes some special consideration. This isn’t an endeavor to undertake lightly, as it involves the souls of others besides the two of you! This is different than simply being open to life or desiring kids of your own. To marry someone with kids from a previous relationship takes a huge heart, prayer, and discernment. Yet, don’t be discouraged about marrying someone with children. It can be an answer to prayer for all parties.
Here are seven questions to ask yourself as you discern marriage with someone who has kids:
- Am I ready to step into being a parent emotionally and spiritually with all that entails?
Although society would love to distill parenting into a long series of feeding, clothing, and carpooling, parenting is far more than that and it begins with seeing oneself as a child of God. With that as a starting place, we must see our children not as extensions of ourselves, but as unique children of God. The Catechism of the Catholic Church states it this way in paragraph 2222, “Parents must regard their children as children of God and respect them as human persons. Showing themselves obedient to the will of the Father in heaven, they educate their children to fulfill God's law.”
Therefore in considering parenting another’s child—who is first and foremost a child of God—you need to be sure you are emotionally and spiritually available to educate, evangelize and most of all love them according to their dignity.
- Am I ready to co-parent with the other biological parent, sharing information, time, and resources?
If there is another biological parent involved, you need to ask yourself if you respect that parent’s place of primacy in the child’s life. Are you willing to co-parent? That means being willing to have your family circle be a little broader and a little more seasoned with grace to negotiate time constraints, resources, and differing opinions of those outside your household and authority. Perhaps all the adults involved need a coffee date to increase connection and open dialogue showing goodwill—primarily toward the child, but extending to the other parents in the picture.
- Am I ready to set aside my ego and allow my partner to take the lead in regard to parenting, discipline, and decision making for their child, even if I would do things differently?
No two parents are alike. Even when raising children with the same religion, same values, and same family culture, a mother and father can have very different approaches to the same situation. Your role as a stepparent will begin as a supportive role, earning the right to lead by your consistency and charity. The Catechism tells parents in 2219, “With all humility and meekness, with patience, [support] one another in charity.”
- Am I prepared to love and care for these children as if they were my very own, without making a distinction between stepchildren and biological children?
No one enjoys feeling that they are on the outside of a group. Children feel safest when they feel and know they belong in the family as an original member and not as a concession. In my own family blending, my husband and I never refer to one another’s children as stepchildren, bonus children, or anything other than our children. My husband’s son is my son with all that that means. My children are my husband's children, and he would lay down his life for them without hesitation.
- Do I respect the way my partner parents? How do they respond under stress? How do they handle joys and sorrows, celebrations and discipline?
Before you discern marriage with someone, have you seen the way they parent? Do you respect it? Observe how they handle the pressures of life and parenting. Children are by nature needy and not everyone handles that the same way.
If your partner does not love being around their children, or if daily life includes a lot of raised voices or harshness, keep your eyes open. Is that the life you want for your children?
On the other hand, if you see tenderness, patience, and liberal affection, it may make you fall even deeper in love, which is a beautiful thing.
- How do I plan to bond with the children? How can I show them that I love them and not just their parent?
Can you find ways to connect with the child in ways they can receive as love? Exploring the concept of Love Languages can help. Perhaps taking up a new hobby, planning some experiences together, or working side-by-side on a project can help you to show love, not just say that you love them.
- Am I willing to put the kids first? (Remember the children were there first. They should not shoulder the weight of their parent’s trauma or healing.)
Perhaps controversial, but when children from a previous relationship enter into their parent’s new relationship, they need to know that their place in the family is secure. They need to know that their needs will not be put on the back-burner. Both parents need to be willing to put the needs of the most vulnerable first.
Here are seven questions to ask your partner if they have kids, as you discern marriage:
- Are you ready to share the responsibility, burden, and blessing of parenting this child/children with me?
Not everyone who feels ready for a new romantic relationship simultaneously feels ready to share the parenting of their child, a relationship that involves our most protective instincts. Opening communication is going to be key in discerning if your partner is ready to share that role with you.
- How are the children’s relationship with their other biological parent (if that parent is still living)? Are there wounds there I should be aware of?
Don’t be afraid to ask for details about the relationship with the other parent. This child may already be navigating a stepparent on the other side. The emotional strain on a child can be enormous. You can help by striving for a deeper level of understanding. Offer the child a place of peace and never one of competition.
- How is your relationship with your ex? Are the lines of communication open?
The better a relationship your partner has with their ex, the better it is for the child. This means that you must foster trust and expel anything resembling jealousy. Ask the tough questions. Work through any messiness together.
- How much do you expect me to be involved in the decision-making and day-to-day responsibilities of parenting this child? Are you willing to share the load?
As explained earlier, this is far more than meeting the financial needs. The Catechism explains in 2221, “The fecundity of conjugal love cannot be reduced solely to the procreation of children, but must extend to their moral education and their spiritual formation.” Are both of you willing to share the responsibility of education and spiritual formation?
- If your partner does not have full-custody of their child, why not? What were the circumstances surrounding that? Ask, “Can I read the court orders to fully understand?”
Benjamin Franklin said, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” Unfortunately, many people do the opposite. They are afraid to ask the tough questions before marriage when things feel fragile, and then examine things in minute detail afterward. This is unfair to everyone, but especially to the children. So, ask all the uncomfortable questions before you say, “I do.”
- What do holidays and birthdays look like for your family? How can I fit into that?
Family cultures and customs are unique to every family. Discuss ahead of time what celebrations look like. How do they blend with your own expectations? What are the things that are true, good, and beautiful that you can hang onto?
- Are you willing to put the kids first? (Remember the children were there first. They should not shoulder the weight of their parent’s trauma or healing.)
Restating, when children from a previous relationship enter into their parent’s new relationship, they need to know that their place in the family is secure. They need to know that their needs will not be put on the back-burner. Both parents need to be willing to put the needs of the most vulnerable first.
Don’t be afraid to step back if you are unsure.
Jesus tells us in Luke 14 that before we undertake to build a thing, we should count the cost. This requires radical honesty. If you discern that this marriage would not be in the best interest of the children involved, it is wise to step back. Leave room for the Holy Spirit to do His work, because the ultimate goal is not conjugal love, but the salvation of souls. Ultimately, we all want to see each other in Heaven.
However, don’t be afraid of picking up a heavy cross. While the ideal is to raise your children with the parent of those children, life is often messy, and unexpected things occur. Sometimes death separates us from our spouses. Sometimes divorce tears families apart. In God’s mercy, He has given us sacraments of healing. In that process of healing, bear in mind Isaiah 61:3, where God promises to give us beauty for ashes and the oil of joy in the place of our mourning.
As you discern building and blending your family in a non-traditional way, remember the words of Thomas Merton in The Seven Storey Mountain, “God writes straight on crooked lines anyway, all the time, all the time.”
