When I separated from my husband in 2019, I had no intention of dating again. I was more than happy to be a single mom, and I was at peace. But God had other plans. Four years later, I was a year post-annulment, and I started dating my now-husband. We had been best friends when we were younger, before my marriage and before either of us had kids. We had grown apart but had kept tabs on one another from a distance because we had such a long history of friendship.
One day, quite out of the blue, he called just to catch up. We spent three hours on the phone. And just kept talking, every day after that. One day I told him we were getting into complicated territory. I believe my exact words were, “What are we going to do, flirt with each other until our kids are grown?” I had 10 children and he had one. My youngest was seven and his only child was 10. So, that would have been a while to keep dancing around the issue that we were falling for each other.
I had never really dated since my divorce.
I had no intention of getting remarried. So, this was brand new territory.
Here are some things we did that worked:
- We approached each kid separately. There was no grand sit-down and bomb dropping like in the movies. We took each kid aside to tell them we had met someone, so that each would feel free to have whatever feelings they needed to have in the way they needed to have them, free from any peer pressure—including the peer pressure from siblings. This happened over the course of a week or two (as I had a lot of children to work through).
- We encouraged continuing conversations and honesty. Be prepared for the feelings your child has about the new arrangement to change, sometimes from one day to another. Be ready to do so much listening. Listen more than you talk and never lecture.
- We did not rush each phase of the relationship. The talking stage, the dating stage, the engagement. Each phase is important and we wanted to enjoy each phase and give the family time to acclimate. It can be psychologically violent for a child to see their parent go from zero to married in a matter of months. We wanted to spare our kids from that. A trend I’ve noticed in a lot of Catholic relationships in which people are striving for sanctity and dating-to-marry, is a mad-dash to get to the altar. Once the couple has discerned marriage, they arrange things as quickly as possible. While that may not be the best for any couple, it is certainly even more concerning when there are children involved. We all need time to psychologically adjust. For my relationship our talking phase was several months, our dating phase a year, our engagement another full year.
- Prioritize the parent-child relationship. When you’re falling in love it is easy to want to spend all your free-time and late nights with your future spouse. But, your child was there first and needs to know that his or her place in the family and in your heart is secure. It is OK to say to your child, “Today is reserved for you!” and then giving them undivided attention. Your spouse-to-be should understand that. If they don’t, that may be a red flag.
- Let your child and your partner bond. Find ways for them to connect that are low-to-no pressure. Go to a sporting event, play board games as a family, cook something together. See if they have any hobbies they can share. Shared experiences can help ease the worry your child may have about this new person in their life. But don’t push or interfere in that process. Let their relationship develop as organically as yours did.
- You discipline your children, let your partner discipline theirs. At least in the beginning be very cautious of speaking words of correction or giving discipline to your partner’s child. The authority to do that is not just inherited because you love their parent. It is a position that is earned as they watch the faithful and gentle way you love their parent.
- If there is an ex involved, keep that communication open. Never try to compete or downplay the role of the biological parent in that child’s life. Even if you have particularly negative feelings about them, the child should never come into those conversations. If all co-parents are willing, share contact information, meet up as adults, and keep the air clear.
- Most importantly, pray. Pray together as a family as often as your schedule allows. If that is the Morning Offering at breakfast or a Rosary as a family at night, just make sure you weave prayer into those shared experiences. While initially that may feel awkward or perhaps ineffective, the long-term fruit of bringing hearts together will be seen in time. When we have our family prayer times they always end with a Litany of our family saints. We recite the patron saints youngest to oldest.
St. Nicholas, pray for us
St. Michael, pray for us
St. Carlo Acutis, pray for us
St. Joseph, pray for us
St. Therese the Little Flower, pray for us
And so on until all of us have been prayed for. In this Litany, we have assigned patron saints to the non-present biological parents. (We didn’t ask permission; we just started praying!) So that the reality of all of us truly being family is acknowledged every day.
If you err on the side of giving more grace than you receive, if you are willing to not flee from a difficult conversation, and if you are willing for love to look a little messy at times, then you can bring two families together in a way that honors God and each other.
