Sometimes life takes an unexpected turn. Other times, it follows what seems to be a well-worn path, but the journey takes longer than we expected. For older singles pursuing marriage, that long journey can involve a lot of grieving. As time passes, opportunities to share moments in life with a spouse can feel like they’re trickling away.
In our 40s and 50s and after, we start to wonder if it’s even worth it. “I’m used to being alone,” or “I’m too old to have kids,” or “my parents have passed away, so I won’t have that fairy-tale wedding.” - these thoughts come creeping in as you go to yet another singles’ meet-up or scroll yet another dating app.
After a while, all the life-defining moments you never got to share with Mr. or Mrs. Right start to feel more important than the moments you’ll share in the future. All those missed experiences become a running commentary in the back of your mind, until you think: maybe it’s not even worth reaching out anymore?
It’s time to stop that commentary. It’s time to mourn those lost moments but then move forward. Life is full of un-anticipated blessings, but you’ll never experience them if you’re still living in the past. Finding love in mid-life may look a little different from the fairy-tale you imagined, but it’s full of joys as well. Let’s put the idea of a youthful romance down and embrace the romance that’s just around the corner.
Perks of Later Marriage
Falling in love, marrying, and raising a family with someone from young adulthood is full of beauty. We’ve seen it over and over again in the movies, in books, and in the people all around us. But late in life romances are full of beauty too, if we’re willing to look. When I look at the older newlyweds around me, I see so much honesty, patience, joy, and kindness in them.
Older couples tend to be more direct and confident about who they are and what they want in life. When you’re dating in your late 40s and 50s, you’re often more straightforward. After all, neither of you wants to waste time playing games. Older couples are often more financially stable as well. You’re more likely to plan and pay for your own wedding, which means you can focus less on the drama of pleasing two families and more on actually enjoying yourselves.
Most importantly, marriage is a Sacrament between two people, and choosing not to rush that, just to get the experiences of a young marriage, shows strength of character and prudence. You’ve searched long and hard for love. When you find it, don’t clutter up your joy with ‘might have beens’.
How to Grieve the Life You Didn’t Live
To open yourself up to finding love at any age, it’s important to acknowledge the things you wish you’d had. Maybe your mom died recently, and now you have to sit with all those ‘firsts’ that can’t happen anymore: introducing the love of your life to your mother, Thanksgivings at home while your whole family gets to know your future spouse, and seeing your mom as a grandmother to your children. It hurts to mourn all the things that will no longer be a part of your future, but it’s important to mourn them still. Mourning helps you move forward. You’re growing and changing. It’s time to move away from a sense of shame or failure and embrace potential.
Moving On...
After mourning the lost moments, make a list of your hopes and dreams for your future. Consider marriage goals that align with your life, rather than the ones you envisioned in your 20s. Think about goals outside of marriage as well. You don’t have to wait to sign up for that Theology class or to pick out a puppy to train up as a running partner. The truth is, the more energy you invest in your life now, the more attractive you become - no matter how old you are.
It’s ok to be sad that the dreams you had in your 20s for marriage, children, involved grandparents, and complementary mid-life crises are past now, but don’t let that stop you from building new dreams - rich, romantic dreams rooted in the person you’ve grown into today.
