I still remember that cold, blustery day in January 2008. I had just ended a six-month dating relationship with a man I’d met at a Catholic singles retreat the previous year. Our connection seemed hopeful until it wasn’t.
I met his family, and he had met mine—several times. We went to Mass together. We even discussed the topic of where we would live and job opportunities as we resided in two different states. But then that old familiar pattern began to set in right after the Christmas holidays. The emotional distance. The less frequent communication. He began to offer reasons why the relationship wouldn’t work, where before there had been only possibility.
After two or three awkward telephone conversations, and a difficult email sharing my concerns and desire to end all communication, it was over.
I was alone again and I was distressed.
I was turning forty years old in two short months. “What am I doing ending a relationship when I will be forty years old? I don’t have a prospect in sight!” I thought. Different notions quickly fluttered through my mind as possible alternatives that I might have considered: biding my time to see if things got better; not jumping to conclusions that the relationship was petering out; offering forgiveness and demonstrating patience until the very end.
Looking back, I knew I had made the right decision. Rather than ending the relationship himself, this man had given me the reasons he didn’t want to be in it and the reasons he no longer saw it going anywhere. I then foolishly told myself that, “time was not on my side anymore,” and I couldn’t afford to “hang in there” hoping that someone would want to be with me.
While I came to have peace with my decision, I mostly felt sad as my hope for the future once again had disappeared. However, I realized that beneath my plethora of emotions I was mostly upset with God.
My feelings towards God were a snarled knot of anger, hopelessness, and disappointment.
In all honesty, I felt abandoned by Him in my very heartfelt desire for the Sacrament of Matrimony. I mean, He knew I really wanted to be married!
For several days, I dwelled in the pit of despair. It wasn’t because of the loss of the relationship, but because I battled with the lie that God wasn’t going to help me get married, that He didn’t care about my struggle to find a suitable spouse.
But then I remembered a Scripture passage that had often brought me great hope in the past:
The thought of my wretched homelessness is wormwood and poison;
Remember it over and over, my soul is downcast.
But this I will call to mind; therefore I will hope:
The LORD’S acts of mercy are not exhausted, his compassion is not spent;
They are renewed each morning—great is your faithfulness!” (Lamentations 3:19-24)
After reflecting upon this passage of Scripture, I was reminded that the God who sees, did see me and my desire for marriage.
He saw my struggle with prolonged singleness and the suffering that it was causing me. Ending the relationship was not another failure stacked up in my corner; rather, it was an act of faith in God that He was going to come through for me.
I had an “Aha” moment during this time as well. I realized that it takes courage to end something when there is no other opportunity in front of you. As one gets older, it may seem it is less likely you will ever marry. But that’s where the faith and trust that God is our helper comes in, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Ending a relationship that’s not going anywhere is akin to throwing yourself down on your sword, saying, “I’m trusting God and I know He can bring forth something good for me!”
That year, 2008, God did bring more dating opportunities into my life. I ultimately had four additional dating opportunities with men before I met my husband. And I went through the same or similar ups and downs each time the dating relationship ended. Why did God see it necessary for me to have these painful experiences? At the time, I couldn’t understand.
In hindsight, I think I have gained some insight.
I was repeating a pattern wherein I kept getting in my own way. God was trying to help me break it. Once I finally overcame what was stopping me from getting married, I was able to meet my husband in 2010. We married in 2011 at the age of 42. Was it much later than I would have liked? Absolutely. Yet, God’s timing is perfect; just keep cooperating with His Grace!
