If I am being honest, I text my friends more than I call them. My call logs are sparse; my text messages are full. Perhaps that is just part of life in this day and age. However, when I was building my relationship with my now-husband, I didn’t want to rely solely on text communication. It felt far too cold and distant. Yet, he lived in California, and I lived in Maine until the month we got married.
Dating long-distance takes a degree of intentionality that differs from the boyfriend or girlfriend you know you will see regularly. Here are some ideas to move toward greater intimacy without relying only on the keyboard.
- 1. Weave prayer into your daily routine. Don’t overcomplicate or overthink this. While we were dating, we always talked on the phone twice a day—morning and evening prayer. These two spiritual check-ins set the rhythm of our days and drew our hearts together.
In the morning we prayed this Byzantine prayer:
Heavenly King, Comforter, Spirit of Truth, everywhere present and filling all things; Treasury of Blessings, and Giver of Life - come dwell in us, cleanse us from all stain, and save our souls, O Gracious One.
Holy God! Holy Mighty! Holy Immortal! Have mercy on us. (3x)
Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, now and ever and unto ages of ages. Amen.
In the evening we prayed:
Jesus Christ our God, we adore you and thank you for all the graces you have given us this day. We offer you our sleep and all the moments of this night and we ask you to keep us from sin. We put ourselves within your Sacred Side and under the mantle of Our Lady. May your holy angels stand about us and keep us in peace. And may your blessings be upon us. Amen.
Now that we are married, he puts his arms around me in the morning and says the morning prayer. And we say the night prayer as we lie in bed together.
If we are busy and no other intimate communication has occurred, we at least know that the bookend of our days is us before the Lord together.
- 2. Build a shared playlist. When you hear a song that means something to you or that speaks to your relationship, add it to a shared Spotify or Apple playlist. We started this the month we started dating, with just a couple songs. It’s now about 7 hours long. On our date days or road trips, we still go back to it. It feels always both new and nostalgic and is something we equally share. Some of the songs are the cheesiest and sappiest you can imagine. Some are ones to make you get up and dance. There are no rules to what may go on the playlist, just songs that you want to share and remember.
- 3. Read a shared book. While we were dating we chose books together and would buy identical copies. We read at the same pace, assigning ourselves a certain number of pages or chapters a week. We would mark up the pages and make notes. At the end of the week we would share our insights, inspirations, or even frustrations with the text. Two that we especially enjoyed were Henri Nouwen’s The Return of the Prodigal Son and St. John Chrysostom’s homilies on marriage and family.
- 4. DoorDash. One day, when I was very frustrated at work I texted my boyfriend that I hated my job, was about to start my period, had forgotten to eat, and that I was so tired and miserable. Twenty-minutes later, a delivery showed up at my work with a bag of my favorite snacks and treats. It was completely unexpected, but it was a significant way he emotionally showed up for me even though he was 3,000 miles away. A month or two later he came down with the flu and was laid up on his couch feeling very terrible. He couldn’t even get up to warm a can of soup. I hopped online and had hot soup and bread delivered from his favorite restaurant and electrolytes and medicine from the grocery store. I couldn’t be there in person to tend to him, but I made sure he was aware of my care for his physical needs.
- 5. Shared Notes. We created a shared note on the Notes App (if you don’t have an iPhone, use a shared Google doc). We have one that shares a list of dates we wanted to go on together when we visited one another every other month. One note has a list of movies we want the other to see with us. We’ve now been married a year and still haven’t finished that movie list! One note holds love notes we wrote to one another when the time difference made it an inopportune time to text. We just poured out our hearts in those notes. We still have them and occasionally read them to each other.
- 6. Smart Lights. On one of his visits to my home, my boyfriend installed smart light bulbs in the living room and my bedroom. He had the same lights in his house. We each had access to the app that controlled them. We worked out a color-coded system. Red meant “I love you,” yellow meant “I miss you.” There was a color for being sad and for wanting the other to call if they were free, and so on. Sometimes I would get home from work to a red light in my room, and it made me feel seen. Also, if we were on the phone late and I was falling asleep (which happened frequently because I was 3 hours ahead in time zones), I would just ask him to “tuck me in.” Which meant, “Please turn off the light; I don’t want to get out of bed.”
- 7. The Written Word. It seems obvious, but sometimes we forget that we can just send regular letters and cards through the good ol’ postal system. There is something truly delightful about receiving actual mail, written in your loved one’s handwriting! Tuck into the letter physical photos, little bits of art, stickers, pressed flowers. This is a place you can really let your romantic and whimsical side shine. And it really shows you are willing to put in the time and intention—rather than just shooting off a “wyd” text.
Bonus tip:
- 8. Never argue over text. Disagreements and disruptions in your harmony are bound to happen. But never rely on text to communicate your frustrations with one another. If (or rather when) you have a conflict, be sure to have that over the phone or a video call. Tone, inflection, and intention are best communicated with your voice and face, not hastily composed texts. You need time to listen to one another and not just try to fire off the next text before the other has time to respond. Being long-distance is an excellent time to hone your conflict resolution skills.
Although I am so glad our long-distance phase is over and that we come home to each other every day, those two years were precious to both of us. We did not rush it. We tried our best to enjoy it. We built a solid foundation of communication and respect.
We learned so much about ourselves as individuals and as a couple. An important aspect of that is not relying too heavily on texts, rather making a point to connect on a deeper level.
